So Friday ended up being a very successful Queryday on Twitter, and, I hope, a very informative one, too! Fellow Colorado literary agent Rachelle Gardner shared , but I’m going to go a slightly different route, since most of my advice is helpfully archived here. (You can also click on the word “advice” in the tag cloud below.)
kt literary client Maureen Johnson has shared her impression of a great query letter on her blog, and you should really check it out!
A small, really very minor caveat about her advice, though: it’s all wrong. But you’re smart — you knew that, right? So the question is: can you come up with a worse query letter? How many querying rules can you break? Post ’em in the comments! The very worst query letter you come up with will win a copy of Josie Bloss‘s recent release Band Geeked Out!
52 thoughts on “Also About Queries”
Deer agent
I no all youse agents only care about cash, so i'm sure you will buy my book right now! It's a 945 thousand word fiction novel about how publishing is all wrong, told through multiple povs of a weresnake, a sentient tree who becomes a book, and the sweetest woman who ever walked the earth, who happens to be a writer. And look a lot like me, actually. I know it will sell billions and billions of copies, just like Steven king and that vampire writer chick. Call me soon, because I've sent this query to almost a hundred agents and I know someone will snap it up!
Dear Agent,
You like have to rep my book, I ROXXOR!, because it will total rock once it is finished. It's a fiction novel about my life. I know you want the next big thing, and I can totally see Angelina and Brad jumping all over the starring roles when I ROXXOR! is made into a movie. I drew up the cover, and let me tells you, it rocks even bigger than the book. My book will make your career. Believe me, if you pass it up, you'll regret it, I'll make sure of that.
We cool?
Julie
PS – Email, don't call. My mom thinks the book will be awesome, but she doesn't want you waking her from her vodka-naps.
Wow, that actually felt kind of good. LOL.
Dear Whoever,
Id like ot tell you all about my book 1000000 ways to kill a cat I know that peeple all over the world hate cats and Im one of them I want to help peeple get passed their fere and get rid of all the cats that arnt luvd i think evry1 wud luv this book and it fits with evry genre in the bookstore It wud have no compitition becuz there is no uther book like it around ud like it allot and mebbe when uve finshed reeding it u can come and stay at my houose and we can be frends cuz i reely like ur blogs and tweets
yo Literacy Agnet person, ma'am…
i can haz book deal plz?
i wrote a book, i have a book i wrote and u should red it its AWESOME!!! there are fairys and dinosaurs and plane crashes & in teh end every1 gets married. its like LOTR, but with more sex and drugs and no gay wizards. itd be perfect sitting on the shelve right next to Harry Potter. im for real. kids will eat this shit up, man. im teh best writerer in the country maybe even teh world!!! im telling u… plz be my agnet, plz plz plz plz plz??? i really need this.
look, okay here's the thing if u don't read my book i have a cousin named vinny. hes an ok guy but when i tell him you didnt red my book hell come to your little new york office and make sur u red it and like it. k?
i really have a good book here, & i wrote it so i would kno that its good. well, goodish. its ok.
so, promise ull red my book? plz?
CC To: [every agent and editor email address I could find]
Subject: I’m too good to read submission guidelines
Dear Agent or Editor,
One of you lucky readers will be chosen to represent my book, IT’S LIKE NOTHING YOU’VE SEEN BEFORE. I’ve spent the last ten years writing this 500,000-word masterpiece. The manuscript has been completely edited and it’s perfect as is. It’s sure to be a number-one, best-seller, all of my family and friends have said as much. I can’t give you too much information on the actual book, at least not until I’ve hired you to represent me. We’ll discuss who will publish it after we’ve settled on my advance payment.
Don’t bother to email me, since this is my work email address and I’m quitting my job to become a full time writer. Call me at this number (555) 123 4567, between the hours of five p.m. and ten p.m., I don’t want you waking my twelve kids, who are all depending upon your quick response time to keep them fed and clothed.
I will resend this email again tomorrow, if I have not received your phone call tonight. Never fear if you’ve been on vacation, because I will continue sending this email daily until each of you have replied with an offer.
Sincerely,
Demented Author
Dear Mrs. Kathy Scaffer,
What if everything you knew was a lie? What if everyone knew that everything you knew was a lie? What if the lie was also, in a strange way, THE TRUTH?
Ginny Granger had always know that there was SOMETHING wrong with HER. People gave her weird looks on the subway and even at the library. One day, while at the library, she finds a strange and mythical book with a beautiful pink and grey silky cover. The book might hold all of the answers… but all of the answers to WHAT?
A few days later, Ginny tries out for the cheerleading squad with disastrous results.
My Young Adult fiction novel is almost complete at 123,453 words. I hope to write another 20,000 words by the time you ask for a full submission. I do not have a title and am hoping that this is something you can help me with. The book, the first in a planned series of eight, has great sales potential (think Stephenie Meyer, or J.K. Rowling, or that guy who wrote Uglies).
Early readers have been fascinated by the premise and story – and I’m sure you will be too. One reader said, “This is the best book I’ve read since October.” Several people have mentioned that the book has MOVIE potential.
I’ve attached the first 38 pages as a Notepad document and can’t wait to send you more. I will call your office later on in the week to make sure you’ve gotten the query.
Sincerely
Betty “mad dawg” Taylor (maddawgwrites@yahoo.com)
To: —
Bcc:
To whom it may concern:
I am not a writer, but rather a military veteran. I believe that my memoir, "Puptent", is a good account of my life pitching tents all over the world.
I was able to convince a friend to transcribe the over 400 hours of recordings of my stories, as told to youth all over the world. Many of these recordings were made in youth hostels, as I captured traveling students with my tales.
Unfortunately, the resulting file is too big to email (especially with the photos in it), or I would have attached it to this memo.
I have been told in response to previous attempts to get get my memoir published that my manuscript is in need of editing, and that some of the things in it might get me in trouble with the law.
My sister's brother is a paralegal, and has assured me that the statute of limitations is up on most of the activities that I describe. I assume that you will help me determine what I can't say. Also please be aware that the age of consent is different outside the U.S. Especially in Thailand. Or so I was told.
People who have heard my stories have compared it to Tom Clancy, or even Tom Cruise. I think it tells better in person, if you would like to meet, send me a photo, and we might be able to arrange something.
I would also be willing to have my stories reworked into any genre, I've heard that "Lord of the Rings" is popular now, and I think my story might make a good "fantasy". Also, one of the 'characters' looks a lot like that girl from the "Harry Potter" movies (but without such nice teeth), so that should help.
If you are interested in publishing rites, please contact me through my 'anonymous' information at the bottom, but not if you are a member of law enforcement. I will then send you a password to my secure FTP site so you can download it.
Thanks,
Bob Trunky
U.S. Merchant Marine (ret.)
Deer KaTy,
Today is you're lucky day! Later on UPS will be deliverying my book to you. When I done finished it was 2000 hole pages. Can you believe it? Wowzer! I did not think I node that many words, course I used a bunch of em more than one time. and Im only a senior this year! I'd be dun but they held me back like four or five times or mabe 6 times, I fergit.
My book is gonna be bigger than that book about that kid wizard, you know, the one that goes to that pigwarts school? (My daddys pigs don't have warts – and they aint' got know school – pigs is dum.)
Anywho; my book is about Fanny Bailey – this girl I know'd since third grade. Its all about her life since third grade. I been followin her around every day and writin what she does cause I love her. But she, well, she done give it up to my best friend, Hound Dawg, in seventh grade (thats a whole three pages of the book!) and now I hate her. But I can't quit followin her – even though the sherif says I gotta stop – some kind of perfective order. What does he know – he ain't been in love, cept with his own gun. (ha, ha, git it?)
Anyways – I can't wait for you to send me my big check for eighty million dollars. Then Fanny will dump Dawg like a hot muffler and go steady with me. Man, I've been waitin for that fer eight years – so send it quick.
Thanks loads and when you come out to Gnawbone I'll show you the pigs.
Cincerly – Dum Bass
ps – my real nam eis Stew Pid Bass – but everyone calls me Dum
Dear Mr. Shafer,
I would like to write a book for you to sell. Can you please tell me what kind of book that would be? And then if you'll sell it for me and tell me how long it should be, I will write it. I am very talented; trust me. Here's a list of people who tell me I should be a writer:
1. God.
2. My mom.
3. My next door neighbor, Shirley.
4. Your next door neighbor. She's very nice, and there's a great view of your place from her front door.
5. Did I mention God?
Give me a call today, or if that doesn't work, I'll just stop by your place tomorrow, because I know you're busy. My number is 867-5309.
TTYL!
Jenny
Dear Mrs. Shiffer,
It hit me the other day as I was signing my tax forms that I should be a writer. So I wrote a fictional novel lickity split. It's 3,007 words long and the longest thing I've ever written. I'm super proud. My mom is out-of-her-mind ecstactic and even said it's like John Griscomb and Norah Robbins altogether. I'd say it's a little of both, but with my own twist. I'm calling it, The Devil Wears Target.
Anyhoobers, it's about a girl named Anna who saves her town from an evil businessman who plans to turn the entire town into a Target store, but she gets pregnant and ends up delivering her baby in aisle 8 of the store where she falls in love with… ta da, YES! the evil businessman, who's really not evil because he's hot.
Isn't that great?
Call me! My number is 555-555-Anna. (I did the phone number thing on purpose).
Oh, I did my research and know it's hard to get a book published, but if you try I think you'll find a ton of buyers because like I said, hot.
SIN ceeringly, (winkie, winkie),
Wanda Wanna Whenever, WRITER
hey, u:
ok im sorry i said that thing about my cousin vinny. i dont evin have a guy cousin. all of my moms sisters kids are girls. so yeah ignore that vinny thing. i was just testing u.
but plz plz plz read my book. ull luv it. cereously. since i wrote you that email this mornin' ive added a dragon that talks mexican does magic card tricks and rapes the heroin. what more could you want? what more could kids need from a book?
Dear Agent,
You may not know it, but you are dying to represent the next great thing – me! That's right, my new 300,000 word YA paranormal steampunk fantasy is going to be the next Harry Potter series. It's called Vampires and the Steam Engine. From the very first line it's a winner. Everyone tells me so. My mom says it might win the next Hugo Award.
The story is about Randall, a boy who lives in an alternate Great Britain. One day Randall meets a strange girl named Cindy and HIS LIFE CHANGES FOREVER.
I already have the screen play written up, so that when movie deals are made we're good to go. And because this is such an amazing story, I know many agents will want to represent me, so I will let you agents fight it out for who gets the privilege. Best offer wins.
Since the first sentence is such a winner, that's all I'm adding. I know it's enough to get an offer.
"Randall woke up when he heard the sound of a steam engine's whistle."
Great stuff, right? Send me your offer right away before another agent snaps it up!
You're welcome,
Captain Awesome
Dear Mr. Shaffer-Testis
My picture book, The Greatest Writer Ever, is currently 77,298 words and the greatest picture book you will ever read! I have always wanted to be a writer. When I was nine, I wrote my first story, Murder She Wrote: Blood on the Pork-chop—till this day, it’s my father’s favorite story.
Have you ever seen a picture book run the course of the entire writing process, but for kids? Tell me it wouldn’t be the most awesome thing ever! I would really be the best addition to your client list. I know you don’t take picture books, but I’m sure you will make an exception in my case. I have attached the entire book as a powerpoint display, but a better view of the illustrations can be found here: http://www.bestpicturebookever.com.
Thank you,
P.S. I have sent out queries to other agents so if you want first crack at this, I’d advise you get back to me right away or you might miss your chance.
P.P.S I have condensed the font to 8pt so it will all fit onto 142 page slide-show.
P.P.P.S I have also attached a copy of Murder She Wrote: Blood On The Pork-chop. It’s written in crayon—I was nine, after all—but I’ve scanned all 72 pages and they’re pretty clear.
Greatest Writer
listin u,
i want 2 publish my book & ur goin' ta halp me alright? sign the forms & publish my book. do it.
plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz plz
im a great writerer. just read my book & ull see.
Dearest Kate,
I am an ENORMOUS fan. I absolutely love everything you've ever repped. It's seriously the best writing out there, so since I just finished my book and had to think about who to send it to, I automatically thought of you, just because your — plain and simple — AWESOME. I mean, honestly, can we just stop the truck and talk about how amazing you are? Literally, you have the goods, girl! If you say you'll rep me, I'll seriously be completely over the moon. And with that said — here's my query:
In Pimple Glow, my 300,000-word YA novel, I have a main character named Patricia who has a very large zit on her nose. And it's Valentine's Day. So, basically, that's my HOOK. You know, Valentine's Day ….. big, huge zit. She's got this guy who kind of likes her, but then he sees the zit and thinks, "Yuck!" And that's the TENSION.
I have a ton of themes in my book. One of them is friendship, one of them is love, another is liking someone even when they're ugly. When my mom read the book she cried. Really!
Since you probly want to know what this book can be compared to, think of … um. Actually, forget it. I have no idea! I try not to read because I don't want to steal anyone else's ideas. I try to be as original as I can. And, a little about me — you can read a lot more on my BLOG if you have time, it's totally AWESOME — I am a 19 year old PE major at Green River Junior College. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up besides a writer, I'm just taking PE because it's an easy A. I heard from tons of people that it doesn't matter what you major in, it just matters if you have THE DEGREE.
Thanks a million for letting me query you. I hope you will call after you read the first five chapters that I am submitting, because thats what you wrote in your submission guidelines (see, I follow directions!!!!!!), plus my synopsis. (Which was really tough to write, btw. It took practically longer than the book.) Here's my contact info below……I really need to hear back by Friday, if that's okay with you.
Love and hugs,
Bambi Bimboni
Dear: To Whom it May Concern,
I have written a novel about nuns in a convent, because I was one and no one else can write a nun's story like me, because they never were one.
How many chances do you get of an ex nun who sends you the story of her life in a convent?
Take this change now of being the only agent in hundreds to have spotted a best seller. You'll never get another chance like this again, ever again. Think about it.
Yours Faithfully,
Mary Magdalene.
Katie girl,
I've got this like, book I've written. Just finished it last night. And I was thinking that you could, like, sell it for me. Like maybe to Random House because I read a book once and I think it was them that published it.
I'm gonna like, go on vacation for a week. So if you could like sell it while I'm away that'd be cool. And like send me a check.
And the book, what's it's about is there's this guy, Lukas, who like, wants to give the president a squirrel. And he wants to be on the up and up so he like calls the secret service to arrange it. But they say no because the president just got a dog and they don't want the dog chasing squirrels. So now Lukas doesn't know what to do. And that's like the end of Book I. It's called Disaster Strikes.
Oh yeah, it's a series.
And then Book II is gonna be about what he tries next. It's called A New Plan.
Maybe send the check certified, so I have to like sign for it in case it arrives before I'm back from vacation.
Oh yeah, I queried you because I learned that you have a dog so I thought you could relate you know to the story.
Like, stay cool,
Ima Riter
Dere Agent,
I hope you is gud cuz I really wants this book published. This book iz gud cuz it got a lot of wurds. It got a good plot but I wont roon it fur you by puttin the plot here. The plot is so amayzing tho. Okay. I will gives you wun hint. The plot iz abowt peoples who is stucked in outer space and kant get back to urth. It iz hilariuz!!! But it iz also seriuz. It iz a drama an a sciuntz fictshun. The best fictshun novel ever written. Ever. A reyal masterpeez. Thur iz no buks like diz in de wurld. An you must repperzent it becuz it will do gud things fur yur kareer. If you want to be famuz, repperzent diz buk.
Signed,
Futur NYT Bestseller!!!
P.S. Don't miss da boat. Really.
Dear Sir or Madame:
How are you? I am good. Enough of the small talk,lol.hahaha.
I have a screenplay. It's a lot of pages, or will be when I'm done. It's 200 pages right now, but if I take out the one scene I was thinking about, it could be closer to 190. I know most people think that's too long for a screenplay, but some people also like long movies.
I know you say you don't represent screenplays, I really did my research. But people change. You can too.
I'll be honest, the other 67 agents didn't like it, which means you can rise like cream to the top and be an original.
I haven't always been a screenwriter, you'll be surprised to know. I have done a lot of other jobs, which really rounds out my experience of life.
It's really great, but I can't describe it here because it's complicated. But don't worry, I know you don't accept attachments. Which is why I'm faxing it to you as we speak.
Your Friend,
Ima Hack
To Whom It May Concern,
You have seriosly got to rep my book that's already the most popular book in my neiborhood, all about a man, a cloud, and three traveling elephants in the cities, but I don't have a name yet so you can come up with one when you sell it to New York publishers all over the world, and I don't know how many words are in it but it's in ten spiral-bound notebooks which I have enclosed, and oh, sorry about the coffee stains but I know you have grunts who type this stuff up, right?
My uncle Guido says you have to buy it or he'll drive his cement truck over to your house for what he calls remodeling, no pressure though, he's used to getting his way so please send my $1000000000.00 advance to him so he knows I got it.
Peace,
Mafia Mary
*ring ring*
"Good morning, KT Literary"
"Hey can I talk to your main agent?"
"Um…this is she."
"Oh, hey, Colleen, have you ever wished you could rep a writer who's work you actually LIKED?
I wrote a 1,234 pp fiction novel, HARRY PATTER AND THE MAGICIANS ROCK, last week. Its awesome!!! Like Oprah would totally tweet about it. And it will sell for MILLIONS. Of course, since I had to do the actual work, you won't be getting 15% of anything. I think 3% is fair. So does my mom.
So, do you want to rep me? Cuz I know others agents wont let this slip by their hands and I called them all as soon as I finished it. Oh, and I sent the book to you in an e-mail just now. Did you get it? You can check now. I'll stay on the line. You know what, you should read it now. I love hearing peoples reactions when they get to the brutal rape and murder of the 5-year-old and her pet pig on page three. It's the one in red ink. Get it?
You know, actually, I think you should just offer to rep me now. My phone just clicked and I bet its that dude with blog…you know the one people like better than you? Heh, he's funny.
So, what do you say?"
"…"
To Whom It May Concern,
You have in your possession the byproduct of the last forty years of my life. Everything that I am and ever will be is included in this 211,243 word masterpiece. It will change your life. I guarantee it.
Without a positive response from you, I will certainly be forced to take drastic measures. Rejection would be too much for me to bear. My fate is in your hands.
Sincerely,
Porla Puddinhead
Dear Mrs. Literary,
What would you do if your father was a vampire?
What would you do if your mother was a vampire?
What would you do if your sister was a vampire?
What would you do if your brother was a vampire?
Come along with me as I discover the answers these IMPORTANT questions in my thirty page pcture book/YA novel, BETTER THAN THE CULLENS.
Neward Schmullen is a vampire that loves softball and sucking the blood of turnips. One day he meets a beautiful but timid girl named Ella. Neward must have her but Ella is deadly allergic to turnips!!!!! Can they conquer the obstacles to there love and find love?
This books has not yet been written but does exist ENTIRELY in my head, just waitintg to be put down on paper and sent directly to the best sellers list box office!! I know you want to the agent to make that happen!!
Call me any time at 900-555-1234. It is a toll call but well worth your money, which you will make back hand over fist when you publish THE MOST AMAZING BOOKD OF THIS OR ANY OTHER CENTURY!!
Yours truly,
Georgiana "QUEEN OF WORDS" Lee
PS Please find attached MRI of my brain where you can CLEARLY see the book in its ENTIRTY!
To: sub@agency.com, queries@litagent.com, smith@purplecowlit.com, sjohnson@johnsonagent.com, tara@dotlit.com
Subject: SUBMIZZION – GREATEST NOVEL EVER WRITTEN
Dere Sir/Madam Agent,
(mis. jorgeeeson, mister smiteh, ms. honnnson, Tara),
i hav been rightin mi latest novel 4 a while now, & i think u want to rep my novle becuz it is da bomb. best thing wirtten since ever, even beter then herry petter. do not miz out on dis oportunitee now becuz some1 will rep me if u donot hury.
i haz no prior righting exprienzze in publizhgin but i haz submited to megazeens b4 & the editor told me 2 keep workin becuz i would make it fo sho. i hav pured my hart & sole in2 this work, & u will enjoi it immenzely. as will da rest of the world, itz an ezcapez from the hustle & bustle of evryday life to a new world.
in this story, my MC whoz name iz Mary Sue (nicknamed Suzie-Mare) falls for this guy named Gary Stu (but ppl call him Stuewy) exceptzz hes not a good person. but she luvz him nywyaz. so this is a probeml, u c? this book haz evrythign – drma , love, mystri, intriga. it showz that nothiing is as it seems. readers will find that nothing will every ben the same after readin dis book.
itz a spinoff/fanfic of da most populer series these days, a nd i expect to rite a seriz of ten bookz, about 15K each. I only except chekz from mager bnakz, & u need to call me bak by 2nite, & sell it too scholzatic or rendemhoose by nxt wek.
yous welcum.
-da nxt JoK eRowling.
PS i wantz a 10 figure deel for book 1 alonez.
PPS get bak 2 me asap so i canz start righting dis
OK..sooo..I havunt herd back frum u so i figur u didnt like it that mutch but i hav anuthr book i wrote when i wuz in juvie i think ull like it more cuz its got drugs and sex and things like that in it also i had a dreem the last 4 nites and there wuz an angel and he told me to tell u about it cuz he said that u would like it much more then the last 1
so heres the story im in juvie and i meet this guy whus into acid and he gives me sum and i meet jesus on my trip seriously i went to heaven and back and he told me that one day id be famus so this book is all about my acid trip n meeting jesus n stuff my teech at scool says i am reely good at riting and that i should think about being a riter as a job but i dunno i meen i now im good but i dont think that peeple can reely see how brilliant i am until they see this book which is why i am giving u the first chance to reed about jesus on my acid trip who knows maybe ull meet him too becuz ull be so inspired!!!!!
My booj is so friggin awesome cause I made my own cover. I was all like wow. Books are cool…. but if you write one then you get to make your own cover and I was thinking I could make my own for my book and I hope you don't mind and that it makes less work for you as my agent. I have been quarrying all day and I was like oh wow I know thatthis lady would be a perfect agent for my book… and I made this cover……
http://www.totallythebomb.com/wp-content/uploads/…
PS. My book is all about noodles cause I love noodles. I mean… who doesn't love noodles, right?
Let me know if you want to see it or whatever. I am about haldway done now. Acutally I am just mostly working on that cover. (I made it in paint. Cause paint is full of win.)
So please pick me for agenting, okay and remember NOODLES FTW!
Dear Daphne,
I read your blog all the time and I know you would love to read my book because its about a chick who collects shoes. Its got all kinds of pictures of shoes inside, some I even found on your blog (thanks!). Anyway this chick finds comfort in her shoes (and I don't just mean she's wearing Dr. Sholl's either). She talks to her shoes and they talk back. (not really. she just thinks she hears her shoes, but its really a tiny little voice in her head – but she's not nuts or anything. It's like her conscious or something. Like Jimmy Cricket but not) Anyway, she gets into trouble when someone hears her talking to her shoes, but she gets out of it somehow (I haven't finished that part yet).
I'm sure you'll love it. I mean I know its better than most of the crap I see at a bookstore (seriously how can anyoen buy a book with no pictures), so its gotta sell, right? Let me know when I can send it.
Talk to you soon.
-Writerly Q. Authorperson
Dear ageant,
Its your lucky day! Have i got a book for you! A future best seller, even better than those wizard books that woman wrote all those years ago. So, whats it about? Glad you asked! (Becuz I know you did!) It's a stream-of-conshusness retelling of these dreams I have every time I eat spicy food right before bed. I can't tel you more because i want it to be a sorprize. Also, the ideas in it are so brilliant that Im afraid it will be stolen before it can be published. I'm sure you unnerstand. Belive me, though, its really good. The peeple I have shown it to have loved it. The wife said she was verry proud to have such an itll intellu smart husband, my daughter (she's six) she said shed never red anything like it befor in her life. Even my dog thought it was gud. (Then he threw it up all over the livving room carpet. Boy, was the wife mad about that one!!! Wooee! you better help me sell this book soon so I can get outta the dog house. Get it? Dog house? Ha ha!)
Since i havent ever wrote a novel before, i decided to write something easy, so this here is a childrens book. My daughter likes drawing, so she did the illustrations. Too tell you the truth, Im kinda sorprized I even wrote this, since i never did wel in my english classes, but, hey, we all have one book in us. That's what they say, anyways. Whoever they are, ha ha!
And you know the best part? Since i chanelled it, it never reck requee needed any revision! it was perfect from the start! All 987 pages! Or maybe 978. I dont remember for sure, and I dont want to have to count them all again! Anyways, it was perfect from the start, which is great since I wrote the hole thing by hand. But as you can see by this letter, my handwriting is not too bad, so that should not be a problem. And the green ballpoint was so hellpfull, too. Really isnpiring. Boy, is my unconshuss good or what? Or is it subconshuss? I never can remember, ha ha!
So, your probably wondering why your luky enough to be geting this leter? Well, I myself dont read alot, but the wife dose, and she recognized the names of sum of the author's who use you. If you can get my wife to read, I figger you must be good. So, whaddya think? Want to be my ageant? You wont be sorry!
Yours truely,
Walter (Or you can call me Walt if ya want.)
Ack! It took out my strike-throughs. Oh, well. You get the point.
This was fun! Much easier than trying to write a good letter…
To my new agent,
Hopefully you recall that one of your clients (your previous favorite, until me) recommended me to you (or you to me. Potayto, potahto.) because of my masterpiece Fictional Novel: A Fictional Novel (whatever press you deem worthy of it: April, 2009). (S)he beta-read it for me and though I never received the comments, I always say, "No news is good news." But don't quote me on that, the copyright's still pending.
Anyway, my fictional historical romantic epic urban fantasy western sci-fi mystery novel runs 805,233 words if you trust the word processor's count, which I don't on principle but counting word by word takes away from precious writing time. I have worked on it for the last 10 years and I'm afraid I must heretofore refuse to change a single syllable. Only an amateur would ask me to. You are not, I'm told, an amateur. That's why you're at the top of my list after all the other agents who will be kicking themselves tomorrow morning when Casey Kasem announces my book at the top of the charts.
In Fictional Novel: A Fictional Novel, Kitty Kitty must find true love while saving the world from a magical artifact–not a ring, mind you, but an earring–that keeps falling into the earlobe of a time-traveling genocidal megalomaniac, thanks in no small part to her posse of cowgirls turned Victorian vampires. The vampires started out gratuitous because I know they're fashionable these days but by the 29th draft they really started to earn their keep, so I kept them. By page 633 you'll be glad I did if you aren't already.
Steven Spielberg of Joe Versus the Volcano fame is looking at optioning the movie rights, and Nicole Kidman (Dogville) would be perfect as KK. They haven't replied yet to my queries but remember, NNiGN (™pending). I've got the soundtrack all picked out already and just yesterday I picked up a copy of Screenwriting for Amateurs for half price, so we're ready to roll. I've jotted down some ideas for video game spin-offs as well, and I want the geniuses who discovered Pacman working with me on this. I know you can make that happen.
Enclosed please find the original, one-of-a-kind, honest to goodness hand-written copy of the entire manuscript and SAE for its safe return along with the advance check and contracts for your agentary fees (if getting this book out to the people isn't reward enough) and the publication of the book. Please also include a personal note about why you loved the book; I never get enough of those. Oh, and if you find any pages missing, check your fax machine. I sent a backup copy through before dropping this in the mail.
I've already told my family and friends this'll be out in time for my birthday and they are ready to shell out some serious cash to get me on the NY Times bestseller list! Little Jimmy's got three months' worth of allowance saved up alone!
Oh yeah, and if you must you can just deduct the cost of the return postage from the advance; don't settle for anything less than 7 figures. I didn't have time to Xerox this so please make sure not to spill anything on it, okay? It's hard enough to read my chicken scratch as it is. Thanks!
Call me as soon as you finish reading this to let me know who you're submitting it to and when the bidding will start,
Your favoritest client
I am seeking worldwide publication of my self-published work 'CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE WITH BOMBS'.
I have already sold hundreds of copies at gun shows throughout the country. Your work is done. All you need is the balls to guide the rocket of my success into the belly of the liberal publishing conspiracy.
Originally published as a series of 'Letters to the Editor' of "GUNS & AMMO", 'CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE WITH BOMBS' gets to the heart of the matter: Our FOUNDING FATHERS were GUERRILLA WARRIORS fighting a fat, corrupt, divorce-loving dictator who sat as far from his people as Sarah Palin sits from Washington, Dumb Corrupt.
It is time for us to take up our automatic muskets and replace 'Congress' and 'Der Obama-er' with God-fearing WARRIORS who won't stand back and let socialists slink back into the ring after Reagan's knockout punch in '89.
This isn't some free hippie pamphlet – if you want the chance to ride 'CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE WITH BOMBS' to the AMERICAN DREAM, then buy a copy now from my sight. If you have the guts, you'll write me a check tomorrow, because the world has been waiting for THE TRUTH.
"Rick's book, 'CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE WITH BOMBS', is as true a book as has ever been written." – O.H., UT.
"I wept. Finally, someone gets it." – M.H., MT.
"The world needs to hear Rick's message – America is STRONG". – T.P., AK.
"I bought a copy for every bathroom in my house". – A.S., SC.
AMERICA NEEDS 'CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE WITH BOMBS', AND SO DOES THE WORLD.
Dear Agent,
Have you ever wondered if vampires are real? Cause they totally aren't, silly! Why would you even wonder about that, everyone knows there's no such thing. Except for in my book! It's called 'That Bites' and if I do say so myself, the title is a really funny pun. Because it's an expression that means something sucks, but also, vampires bite people, but you knew that. Oh my god, I just realized that vampires also suck! Now I'll have to figure out which one I like better. Maybe 'bites' because it would be nearer to the beginning alphabetically and who even looks farther than the 'd's on a bookshelf anyway? Not me.
Anyway, it's all about vampires and how they drink blood and it's really really really funny because one character says at one time, "Do you feel like Italian or Chinese" and normally that would be like pizza vs. um, Chinese food but he was talking about sucking people's blood like Italian people or Chinese people. Uh-oh, is that racist? Don't think I'm a racist, I'm going to go take that out of my manuscript RIGHT NOW even though it was the funniest part. I don't know what came over me when I wrote that!
So, I bet you're interested, right? So I'll go ahead and attach my entire manuscript. Sorry it's a bit hard to read because the background is only a slightly lighter shade of lime green than the text, but you get used to it. DON'T change it or I will sue you, that is my copyrighted manuscript!
Oh, and before I check you off my list of agents, I'd better remind you of how good my spelling is. I bet you noticed, because it's REALLY good (I didn't even use a spellchecker, I'm just REALLY good. I won a spelling bee once when I was in fourth grade but the prize was some dumb gift certificate anyway so I don't see the point) but you might have forgotten about my spelling (and grammar, too!) because of the really really really smooth flow of my query.
I swear my writing is always like that.
Oh, thanks for reading. I don't know why I'm thanking you because you're the one who wants to buy my copyrighted manuscript (really, I bought a copyright for it from this really smart guy I met online, he only charged me $40 because he thought I was pretty) but anyway people say I'm supposed to thank you and who am I to break the rules?
-Ciera
CC: 83 randomly chosen agents and editors, many at the same agency/imprint
Yo homedog,
"'OMG, it's like Harry Potter!' she screamed loudly like the shreik of a thousand absurdly loud yelling people."
-an excerpt from "Harry Potter 8: Huddlepuff's Revenge"
It is YOUR privlage for me to bring you this query of my fiction novel, “Harry Potter 8: Huddlepuff’s Revenge,” which will probably be about 293,293 words (not sure though, since I haven’t started writing it yet). Are you ready to wet yourself in excitement? I know I am!
I would tell you about the plot of “Harry Potter 8,” but I’m worried about copyright infringement. You can never be too careful, and I would hate to have to sue you for ripping me off! Anyways, I can tell you that if you don’t offer to rep this bad boy, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I will send you a threatening letter once a month, no joke, until you agree to rep me. Come on – were both going to be trillionaires!!
Ok, enough about the book (the next NYtimes bestseller, you know it! Its gonna be bigger than Twilight and the first 7 Harry Potter books alllll rolled together), let me tell you a little about me. I am actually quite a fascinating person. I was born on April 10, 1963 in Tucson, AZ, where I attended school until 7th grade when they threw me out for lighting a kid’s hair on fire. When I got out of jouvie, I got my first job working as a waitress. Then I raised kats for a while on a cat farm where we sheered them like sheep and nit their fur into sweaters. Now I write novels I’ve written 18, in all genres from sci-fi to nonfiction novels. I have attached short synopsises of the other 17 novels to this email for you to read and tell me which one you like best.
You better take me on as a client ASAP or I will trash you on the interwebs, ha ha, JK but really I will do it. So call me, or email me, and if you don’t it’s cool I’ll call you tomorrow. Talk to you then.
CYA,
Craz E. Riter
P.S. Did I mention “Harry Potter 8” has got crazy movie potential? Well it does! My mom and my aunt said so and they really like my writing so there.
Dear Mr./Mrs./Mz./Sir/Madam [FILL IN NAME]
What if you were offered the Opportunity Of Your Life and you turned it down due to Stupidity and Entropy? You must read further to Understand.
I read your blog. I like it, especially the colors, which are Harmonious. I am looking for a person of Great Motivation to join me on a Journey To Success. I have written a Beautiful Undying Masterpiece, of which I offer to you the Opportunity to aid me to sell to Worthy Publishers of Great Works.
I have attach The Masterpiece in a PDF so you cannot copy. Understand that I do not believe a Motivated Person such as yourself would copy, but I must have a Policy to protect The Masterpiece, which will one day soon change the Way People Think of things like Life and the Universe. The Masterpiece is also on my Web Sight, which is at GoDaddy.com.
Below is my social security and account number so you may know I am a Real Person. If you do not call in two days I must move Onward and you will regret for the rest of your Life, please do not pass by the Chance to Change your Life.
Sincerely,
Brilliant Author
XXX XXX XXXX XXX XXX XXX
PS!!! if you forward this email on to 10 agents, something wonderful will happen to you in the next week! try it! if you do not, you will be run over by a crying child on a runaway toboggan next January.
Thanks for making me inhale Diet Coke just now, Sunna. No, really, thank you.
This was a great idea, Kate! Can't wait to see which one is the worst.
I'm voting for Sunna's entry right now. 😀
Dear Ms. Unfeasible,
Wuthering Jane is an exciting 1847 word original novel featuring a protagonist named Catherine Eyre. Catherine, a cross between Mother Teresa and Brittney Spears, is a character the likes of which chick lit readers have never encountered. The Catherine that the world sees is devoted to working with the poor in her hometown of Rochester, but after long days at the soup kitchen she spends her evenings at Thornfield, a strip club located way, way out in the suburbs. At Thornfield, Catherine dons a blond wig and struts onto the stage lip-syncing and dancing. When she finally arrives home after a long day of serving her fellow man and skankiness, Catherine is so conflicted about her identity that she bathes in antibacterial gel.
This upbeat novel also features Catherine’s best friend, Heath, whose house sits upon a cliff. The bay window in Heath’s dining room provides the setting for their many heart to heart talks. This window overlooks the St. John Rivers, and only when gazing at the rushing waters can Catherine find the courage to acknowledge both parts of her personality. These hilarious conversations will sound familiar to readers as they have undoubtedly had similar conversations with their friends. As you well know, concerns about feeding the needy and contracting lice from pole-dancing are universal themes.
This breakthrough novel will also attract demographic groups that may previously have been reluctant to read chick lit. Wuthering Jane includes service to mankind (religious market) and services to men (finally encouraging males to read chick lit). After digesting the first three laugh-a-minute pages, please contact me and I will be glad to send the full manuscript. I have already begun work on my second original novel, Pride and Sensibility.
Sincerely,
Peggy
I vote for Jane!!! shameless pandering to the female reader must be rewarded!
OMG, please don't tell me this represents what you usually get on a daily basis.
My vote is for #16 or maybe #35. Can't decide. I can relate to #16 though. I, too, have a PE degree. Decided to go for a Masters of science after that. Would have done the PhD, but my parents wanted me to get a real job instead (apparently going to university isn't the same thing!). So then I decided to be a fiction writer (queries are so much easier to write than grant requests). The author of #16 could be like my long lost twin. Okay, so I better vote for that one.
These are obviously just all jokes, right?
Oops, sorry, now I feel like an idiot. I didn't read the first part about coming up with the worst query letter. Wow, these are pretty bad! Pretty funny too though!
By the time you're reading this, I'm already at your house. When will you be home so we can discuss my contract?
I can't believe this is still going strong… frankly I simply love a bit of fun… wonder how many authors here have actually, eventually, if possibly got their book out in print?
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