Dear Daphne,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to have a critique of the query letter for my latest work IF ONLY YOU KNEW, a Christian based thriller that combines page-turning suspense and culture driven characters.

The mysterious disappearance of Ellie Halifax’s closest friend threw her ordinary, good girl life into a world of suspicion, interrogation, and some very strange, nearly fatal accidents. But the strangest thing of all might be that her hard-rock, soon to be stepbrother, Adam, seems to be her only chance of survival.

IF ONLY YOU KNEW is a fast paced 90,000 word contemporary Christian suspense novel set where Miami’s hotspot nightlife and the up and coming business word collide in two people struggling to uncover a secret much deeper than one girl’s disappearance.
It will appeal to fans of works by suspense authors like Terri Blackstock and Colleen Coble, but carries plenty of next generation twists and as much humor as heart-stopping moments.

After working as a research assistant for two non-fiction writers, I switched to fiction and published my first mystery novel, ONLY ANGELS ARE BULLETPROOF, through Tate Publishing in November of 2008. I am also actively involved in marketing through social networking as well as bookstore events and local media.

I am excited to read your comments. I know critique is one of the most valuable things a writer can have.

Sincerely,
EB

So, after I just said we could concentrate on the juicy middle, I do want to start with the introductory line, which would be similar in any email to an agent. Namely, your reference to your book as a “a Christian based thriller that combines page-turning suspense and culture driven characters.” First of all, I don’t think you need to say “Christian based” — I think just “Christian” is fine. I assume a thriller includes suspense — that’s sort of one of the hallmarks of the genre. And “page-turning” is one of those phrases that writers use that doesn’t actually add anything. Go ahead a stripe it. As for “culture driven characters” — I just don’t know what that means. What culture are you referring to? Christian? South Floridian? A statement like this should be followed up with a sense of the characters’ culture, but I don’t get that in this. Let’s keep looking, though.

Next, “The mysterious disappearance of Ellie Halifax’s closest friend threw her ordinary, good girl life into a world of suspicion, interrogation, and some very strange, nearly fatal accidents.” Again, I see what you’re trying to say here — her friend’s strange disappearance turns Ellie’s ordinary life into something vastly different — but it’s awkward. Maybe it’s the grammatical disconnect of throwing someone’s “life” into a “world.” I feel like you could throw Ellie into a world of suspicion, etc., and you could throw her good girl life into disarray. In either case though, it reads as a bit overdone. How else can you express this in a way that feels more organic to the story?

Moving on, just what exactly is so strange in the idea “that [Ellie's] hard-rock, soon to be stepbrother, Adam, seems to be her only chance of survival”? Why? What can you tell me about how the characters relate to each other that will make this statement make sense?

In the next paragraph, I like “fast-paced” better than “page-turning,” but note again that you’re telling, rather than showing. The phrase “where Miami’s hotspot nightlife and the up and coming business word collide in two people struggling to uncover a secret much deeper than one girl’s disappearance” also feels awkward — even though I assume you mean “world” not “word.” I also think, if you use this phrase, that “up-and-coming” should have hyphens. But what I really want to know is WHY the nightlife is colliding with the business world? Who are these two people from these (to my mind) not-so-different worlds? Can you give a further hint about the disappearance? What does it mean? What does it suggest, rather, since you don’t want to give away the whole plot?

In the final paragraph, the fact of you working for two non-fiction authors doesn’t seem to necessitate a “switch” to fiction. Your publishing credit looks nice up until an agent realizes it’s a self-publishing credit. You may want to be more upfront and name it as such, or leave it out altogether unless you can provide sales numbers of more than one or two thousand copies.

Readers, what do you think? Please share your thoughts on improving EB’s query in the comments.

@Brattyhack writes: “My question is about the biz itself. Why do book stores make 50% of the sale and agents and authors and pub’s so much less?” I’m not quite sure where that 50% figures comes from, actually. On a book which an author gets 10% of the price for every copy sold, the publisher actually gets 90%, covering costs of production, salaries, shipping, design, etc. So the bulk of the money on a book sale goes to the publisher, not a book store. Any bookstore owners able to answer more clearly than I?

@filamena asks: “How do you propose multi format books? (Novel with some comic elements, photography with short stories.)” By comic elements, I assume you mean graphic novel, yes? Not just that some parts of the plot are funny? I go with the easiest, most well-known way of describing a project, and let the unusual or unknown be the hook of my pitch. Now, novel with graphic elements isn’t all that unusual anymore, but for something like a collection of short stories with photographs, if short stories were doing well, I would try to pitch the quality of the writing, and let the photographs be an extra, almost.

@MsPinkSlip_Blog writes: “How should one approach the follow up process once a query is submitted to an agent?” First of all, make sure you know the agent’s usual timeframe for responses. On my site, for instance, I say that I’ll get back to query letters within two weeks. If you haven’t heard from me within that period, you can send a follow-up email — note: this is not THE SAME QUERY resent. This is an email just checking in to confirm I received the original. That being said, once you’ve submitted to an agent, I would think you might also be following their blog/twitter/etc. in which case you may hear they’re running behind, or suddenly caught up, as I posted earlier this week, and you can use that info as an opportunity to follow up. Key to a successful follow-up: be polite and provide all necessary information (your name, the book’s title, genre, and when you sent it — which you should have easily accessible, because OF COURSE you track all your submissions, rights?)

@kimchatel asks: “Do self publish credits or POD pub credits neg/positively affect a query to an agent?” For me, neither. Being self-published doesn’t tell me anything about your writing, even if you’ve sold thousands of copies. It may tell me you thought the traditional publishing route wasn’t for you (in which case, why are you querying me now?), but I look at self-published or POB queries with the same perspective as every other query.

@jjochwat writes: “Guy submits first 10 pp. Agent likes them, immediately asks for complete. Guy rereads mss, finds he could cut & improve. Now what?” Send what you have already. I’d rather you’d have waited to query in the first place until you’d done the rereading and the revising, but now that you’ve sent it out and someone wants to see more, you should send the rest, and let them make their decision. If they say no, then revise, and go out with a stronger manuscript elsewhere.

@sdficklin asks: “When querying a new project, should you mention if you already sold one to a small house w/o an agent?” Yes, absolutely! Any publishing credits are noteworthy, so long as they involve an actual paid acquisition and an editorial process.

@bethrevis and @driftsmoke ask about “unpublished writers and blogs? i.e. do’s/don’ts, mention in query?, what to post on, whether u check em out?” Speed round response: yes, you should have a blog/website. No, you should NOT be posting your entire manuscript, or writing about the details of your query process on said blog, and certainly not bad-mouthing or even excessively praising any of the specific agents you’re querying, because yes, we DO sometimes look at your sites, and do you want us to know we’re we fall on your wish list for an agent? Or (true story) that I requested a manuscript at the same time as another agent, and you decided to wait three months to respond to my request while waiting to hear from your more preferred choice? For answers from editors, check out my series of posts from last year here, here, and here. Use them to talk about yourself, particularly what you enjoy about writing and reading, and build a community around your site for the purpose of communication and camaraderie, not blatant marketing.

@anniekawaii asks: “My brother-in-law & fam are coming to visit us in Louisiana where the heat & humidity are oppressive. Are they crazy?” Yes, unless you live in New Orleans, which is an awesome vacation destination. And if you live somewhere else in Louisiana — are YOU crazy?

@LorelieBrown writes: “Just how many inches of snow did y’all get this year?” According to KKTV, recorded snowfall for the Colorado Springs area, about an hour south of me, was 17.9″, over 6 inches of which fell in March and April. Why? How much did YOU get?

@JulieWeathers writes: “Fashion and conferences. Tips on what not to wear.” Shoes you can walk in, and stand in for hours. (I’m allowed not to take my own advice — people expect certain things from my shoes!) Otherwise, business casual is usually the best way to go. Do not dress like a character from your unpublished novel.

@ktkm asks: “I am a Canuck but hoping to attract US agent. How do I deal with book rights when different for each countries?” If you’re looking for a US agent, I assume that’s because you want a US sale. If another sale is primarily your focus, you should seek out another agent. Most of the deals I do for US rights also include Canada — i.e., I do deals for North American English language rights. I also sell translation rights, as do most of my colleagues, in one way or another, so we would work with you on the rights in all countries. Very few authors have different agents for different territories, although as we use subagents, sometimes it may seem that they do, but in truth, all deals go through a central agent.

@bythebrooks writes: “How does a writer actually *find* an agent?” Step one through twenty: write a brilliant book and revise it until it’s even better. Step The Next: research, research, research.

I may answer more later, either on Twitter or here, so keep checking back!

Hey look, more answers!

@mp3mad asks: “What is the perspective in which you look at queries?” Mostly, some variation of “Does this interest me?”. Actually, no, I suppose first it’s “Do I represent this?” which I have to ask to get rid of the folks who clog my inbox with cozy mysteries, political thrillers, and self-help books, etc. Then “Does this interest me?”, followed by “Is it well-written?”, with “Is this unique enough?” tagging along, bringing up the rear. But sometimes, sometimes, all it takes is one good line. As I said to a writer the other day in my request for her manuscript, “You had me at ‘Cheer Boot Camp.’”

@tommymccormack writes: “How about this: considering a career change to get into publishing biz. How the hell do I get a job, and where do I look first?” The phrase “rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic” comes to mind, but would never actually be uttered by an optimist such as myself. So, first question back to you — do you live in or around NYC? Would you consider a move there? If not, how about San Francisco, Denver, or Austin? Publishing exists elsewhere, but the opportunities are fewer. If you’re the schooling sort, there’s publishing programs like the University of Denver’s Publishing Institute, as well as Columbia University’s Publishing Course. You may be able to find others by searching online. If that’s not a route you wish to choose, then I suggest finding a way in through tangential means — book publishing may be your ultimate goal, but maybe you can get a job at a newspaper or magazine, or work on your editing skills polishing company reports for big business. It’s not an easy industry to break into, and the monetary rewards for doing so aren’t much, but I have to say, I love what I’m doing, and don’t know many in this industry who would disagree.

@jimnduncan asks: “When looking at a ms you love, how do handle the decision between thinking it could sell versus thinking it will sell?” It’s a hard line to draw, and honestly, I think I err on the side of thinking it could sell, and should sell — there’s very little guarantee that something WILL sell, especially in this economy. But (see the “optimist” comment above) when I have a manuscript that I love, that I want other people to read and fall in love with, too, I have to believe it will sell. Otherwise, I’m going to do a lot of work for nothing. Remember, I don’t get paid unless my authors get paid, so it really is a labor of love for me.

Ok, I think that’s it for me today. I’m heading off to Date Night with my sweetie, and a movie at the local art theatre. Until tomorrow!

Hey, I don’t know what to do here. This guy is asking to see my MS, he has published six books, and says he runs the publishing company that published the books. His name is [Redacted], but…we’ll he’s not really an Agent, and I guess he’s sort of a publisher…his publishing company is [Redacted] Books. Your in the business, WHAT SHOULD I DO???

Ryan, I’m not here to do your research for you, but I since you’re writing to me with your concern, I think you can trust your instinct, and ask more questions. Now, there are legitimate, well-respected small publishers out there, and you may have found one. But there are also self-published authors who think the way to bring respect to their books is to publish other authors’ works as well. Again, I can’t say for certain which type of person this is, but I highly recommend you do some more research about this guy and his publishing company.

Search for more information on Absolute Write, Writers Beware, Predators & Editors, the Blue Boards, the SCBWI, and anywhere else you find authors talking about their interactions with publishers. Check him out on Publishers Marketplace — has he listed any recent sales or acquisitions?

You’re right to be leery — not every house or agent is going to be a household name, so do your research and figure out for yourself if this guy is legitimate or not.

My late father published a menswear book in 1982 through a college publishing house, Orion Press. The book was not a large printing, but did sell out. As far as I have been able to ascertain, the press is defunct. My father was a college professor of Theatre. He compiled this book of photographs of American men’s clothing over the course of 18 years. He envisioned it as an historical resource for costumers like himself. He was surprised and pleased when genealogical groups also embraced it as a means of dating family photographs.
The original was produced in paperback and is approximately 8.5″ x 11″. The book itself consists of photographs from 1860 through 1982. These are grouped, not by decade, but according to technological advances and political shifts in society which led to changes in fashion.
I would like to publish a second edition, but I have no idea how to proceed. Any advice or assistance would be greatly appreciated.

M.R., it sounds like you’re looking for a indie press, possibly something like lulu.com, where you can pay to have the book printed yourself. (If not, and you’re looking for an agent to help you find a traditional publishing house to reprint the book, the method is the same as for any book you’d query.) The difficult part, I imagine, would be reproducing the layout unless you have the digital files of the book — something that I doubt a small press circa 1982 would have provided to the author, and something that, given the press’ defunct nature, would be difficult to obtain.
You may also want to confirm that the rights to the book have reverted back to the author — in this case, to you via your father. Can you check his files for a copy of the original contract with the original publisher? There should be an out-of-print clause, or a termination date, beyond which the rights would have reverted. You may also find more information about self-publishing on sites like Publetariat. Do my readers have any other suggestions?
When you just can’t stop at one question…

Just a quick one! Bridget asks:

I was on your website and I had some trouble figuring out who to address a query letter to. My novel is an adult romance/fantasy with compelling characters and a twist of dark fantasy (vampires & a brand new body of the undead). Is there anyone within your agency that would review a novel such as the one listed above? If so, please feel free to email me back with the agents name. Your time is much appreciated!

All queries should be addressed to Kate Schafer Testerman, and sent to queries@ktliterary.com. Daphne Unfeasible can so rarely take time from her shoe-shopping schedule to read your queries that it’s best to go right to the head of the company. (Also — keep it under your hats, but she’s imaginary!)
Finally, at least for today, Blaine writes:

I have several ideas for books from my childhood growing up on our farm, to my military experiences and toady’s current events. I heard you were very open and could point someone in the right direction. I thank you for your time and have a good day.

Glad to hear I give off that impression, but here’s the cold hard truth. You have an idea for a book? So what. So do a million other people. Millions, probably. An idea is nothing until you sit down and start writing. And then — finish writing. And then find a group of fellow writers to share your words with, be open to criticism, and make revisions. And then you can start thinking about contacting literary agents.
An idea is a lovely thing to have, don’t get me wrong. But until you can put something behind it, you’re not a writer. You’re just another person with a story inside them. It’s the getting it out that makes you a writer.
And after THAT — well, there’s loads more to do before you can consider yourself an author. So just take one step at a time, ok? Good luck!

You started explaining the plot of your book and you’d only been talking for a couple of minutes — not even up to the bit with the anaemic vampire – when she took it out of your hand and said she’d have a look at it when she had time. When you turned round there were quite a few people in the queue and they must have heard you talking about it — in fact, you’re convinced that they’re probably asking the “owner” (hah!) to order them copies right now.

Then, the flip side — actual useful information not just for self-published authors, but for ANY author, on how to approach your local bookstore about your book.
Beyond that, check out Publetariat, a blog for people who publish. Yes, there’s a lot of focus on self-published authors and “micropublishers”, but again, there’s some incredibly useful information on marketing that’s worthwhile for ALL published writers, like this post on making your own book trailers.
Finally, Rexroth is grabbing some really interesting news off his Twitter feed from the Tools of Change conference, and he shares his thoughts. One of the most popular things he’s hearing? “Going forward, the most successful books will be as much about community as about content.”
As a writer, what are you doing to promote community?
Note: Image of Rexroth is purely an artist’s rendering, and should not be assumed to represent a likeness.

Well, GE, even since you sent this question in, I think we’ve seen some more reorganization, like Macmillan’s big sorting of all their children’s imprints under one umbrella.
But the problem with self-publishing, as Book Promotion 101 guru Bella Stander posted the other day, isn’t about having a nicely edited book, or even a great looking package. It’s about distribution, and most self-published authors are never going to get their books into the big chains or really anywhere beyond a kind local bookstore.
I hate being so pessimistic about this — it’s totally not in my nature — but self-publishing isn’t the same as being published. Even with the very best editor that a downsizing publisher let go working on your book, it’s not the same thing as having the backing of that house on your literary efforts.
Use this downtime to polish your prose, keep researching agents, and we’ll all just hope for things to get better again, ok?

I have a finished manuscript and I want to find an agent. You said in your chat that any agent that charges fees up front is bogus. But what if it says they only charge for photocopying/postage if the book sells?

No worries. As long as your agent is only charging you after a sale — and if, in the case of photocopying and/or postage, she sends you itemized listings of those expenses, then you can feel confident your agent isn’t a cheat. If possible, ask for a limit on these expenses — this is something to lay out in your agent agreement. Next!
Long question, short answer for Elena, who asks:

Technically, if you post a paragraph of your writing on the internet, it’s considered published, right? I’ve read not to do that, since publishing your work on the internet will turn off publishers because you’ve already given away your “first rights”. I posted some dialogue from my work-in-progress on my blog, but left out the narrative, so it’s just a bare-bones edition of what my characters say in a scene. But, technically, the dialogue does appear in the draft in the exact same words. Once my book is ready for publishing, is this going to hurt me? If I deleted the blog posts that have specific mention of my writing, would this rectify the matter, or have I still given away my first rights? Would I have to re-write the scenes in this case, or is posting a small portion of your writing okay?

Elena, there’s published and then there’s “published”. I think I’m stealing someone else’s line here, but just because Blogger says your post is “published” doesn’t make it so. I’d be wary of posting your entire manuscript, but a short scene here and there or a snippet of dialogue isn’t going to turn off anyone I know. It’s a good way to work towards being a professional blogger — to show a little of your process in writing.
In a comment from a previous post, Elmie asks:

Do I interpret it correctly that there is still hope for self-published authors to seek a literary agent for as long as the first five chapters or first fifty pages are submitted and not in its book form? Should I tell them that my book has been self-published through a company and is retailed on line? Thank you so very much in advance for your kind help!

Absolutely! If those first five chapters or what have you sing, and you’ve submitted them in the proper format depends on our stated guidelines, we may excuse the self-publishing route. But unless you can report sales of thousands of copies, we’re not likely to count self-publishing success as anything other than small-time.
And finally, rounding out our extra-large podium of winners, Emily writes:

I know you’re absolutely, positively never supposed to start a story with your main character (or any character) waking up. But I was wondering about the second chapter. It’s not just a waking up scene- it shows some important family relations- but I was wondering if that’s way too soon to the beginning of the book? Is that a major rejection-worthy error?

If you’re worried about it, I’d consider changing it. How else can you introduce those important family relations? Over dinner, perhaps? A waking up scene isn’t one of my pet peeves, but I know a lot of agents and editors do dislike them — It’s a crutch, more than anything, towards introducing your character. if you can do so without that scene, I think you’d be better off — if not, make sure it’s the BEST waking up scene you can write.
Ok then, I’m getting back to my Olympic tv coverage query-reading. Go team!

What do you think about Self-Publishing venues like Createspace.com (Amazon’s Self-Publishing branch)? Do you think they would hurt the chances for a prospective agent for a writer or help?

Well, J.P. I don’t know Createspace personally, but I know other self-publishing venues like Xlibris pretty well, and I will tell you my impression of them — they’re a fallback. Can’t get an agent or a publishing deal for the book you’re certain is a bestseller? Self-publish it, and you can prove all those naysayers WRONG!
Except the thing is, a vast percentage of the books that are self-published never do end up proving anyone wrong. They sell a few copies to friends or family members, and take up space on your bookshelves with amateur-looking covers and design that will never truly hold a candle to a book published by a mainstream publisher.
But say you went the self-published route for some other reason other than as a last resort, and now you’re submitted your book in its self-published form to agents and editors. Does it do you any good?
Again, no. It doesn’t count as a publishing credit, because there’s no editorial process involved in being self-published — all it takes is money. And most agents don’t want to receive a bound book to consider — we want your first 5 chapters, or fifty pages, and if you send them to me as a book, I will tell you in all honesty that it will go to the very very bottom of my reading pile.
So, JP, there you are. If this publishing thing is just to get your words out there to a small group, and you’re so sure they’re perfect you can’t imagine anyone could improve them, and you have the money to burn — sure, go ahead and self-publish. But if you have greater aspirations for success as a writer, and know that you have a long road to travel, keep submitting your work the traditional way. And good luck.