But it all comes down to one page.

I’m reminding you all of this (though my readers are the least likely folks to actually need this reminder) because of a trend I came across in some recent queries: letters with a very rough, almost generic description of the book being queried, possibly a paragraph on the theme, and a couple more sentence or paragraphs on the writer, and why they had to tell this story, or why their experience makes them the “best possible” author for this book. You know what’s missing? Anything that would intrigue me about the story.

In all seriousness, I read a query for a novel with an intriguing premise, but the letter itself told me absolutely nothing about the characters — no names, no descriptions, nothing. Manuscripts that sell aren’t just about settings — The Hunger Games isn’t an international bestseller and soon-to-be-bluckbuster movie because people are intrigued by Panem. No, they love Katniss, and have divided themselves up into Team Peeta or Team Gale. Without them, it’s just a country. It’s just an arena — empty and void of any reason to tune in, to turn the page.

You may introduce the next Jay Gatsby on page one of your manuscript, but if you don’t give me a reason to scan down, I’ll never meet him. And while that may be my loss, it’s also yours, because I know I’m not the only agent who feels like this.

Hook ‘em (us) with a filler one-page query, and we’ll beg to read more.

One day, I didn’t have any time in the afternoon, so I told myself I’d get to the queries the next day. But the next day there were more. And then it was the weekend, and even more came in. And suddenly, there’s a growing pile waiting to be read.

So readers, learn from my mistake. Don’t let it all get away from you. Don’t let the little things build up and build up until they become an avalanche of a to-do list.

If you’re a writer who’s done NaNoWriMo, you know how this works — do a little bit each day and you’ll finish the month with a novel. No one expects you to write 50,000 words on November 30th. Just as no one expects the Great American Novel or a New York Times bestseller from you the first time you put pen to paper.

It takes time, and constant pecking away at the To-Do list. Constant revision and rewriting and editing, and sometimes, throwing it all out and starting again. But it’s still progress.

And you can do it, one step at a time.

“She is helped in her efforts by a brooding vampire with a soul, a lesbian witch, a former vengeance demon, a British librarian, a platinum blonde vampire with a chip in his head, and a teenage little sister who used to be a mystical key.”

Yes, it’s accurate, but it also feels like you’re throwing everything at the reader in one fell swoop. In this case, wouldn’t it be simpler and just as correct to say “She is helped in her efforts by her own personal Scooby Gang”? Ok, maybe not that exact phrase, but look at how many words you save!

In queries, you don’t have a lot of room to detail the entire plot of a book, and you shouldn’t — you should concentrate on the important plot points that would compel a reader to pick up the whole thing. So you wouldn’t go into the full details of Buffy’s seven seasons of efforts to combat the forces of the Hellmouth, you’d sum it up as “One girl in all the world, with the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness.” That gives you more time to spell out her sense of humor, her quips, her keen fashion sense — to tell the reader more about what makes that character unique.

If you’re feeling like you need to use a list like the example above to get everything in you need to say, consider just leaving it all out. After all, the last thing you want is for an agent to get so turned around by a long series of clauses, they just say no.

As promised, I am now closed to queries for the holidays. I’ll reopen on January 9th.

If you recently sent a query and have not yet received a response, I’ll be getting caught up in the next few days.Please wait until the 9th to resend any queries you think might have gotten lost in cyberspace.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Dear Ms. Unfeasible,

Finding her best friend dead in the river is bad enough. Becoming the killer’s next target is worse. Dealing with the emotions of every other person around her is unbearable.

Sixteen-year-old Emma Hawthorne picks up emotions like a radio signal and with a touch she can draw them into herself, burdening her soul with a stranger’s troubles. Devastated by her friend’s death – a death she suspects wasn’t an accident – her grief leaves her unable to resist the constant bombardment of extrinsic emotions. Unexpectedly reunited with her childhood playmate, Gabriel, she sifts through the shattered pieces of her life, desperate to find truth behind her friend’s drowning.

Emma’s search for answers draws unwanted attention from Patrick, a stranger who promises to free her from her abilities. But Patrick’s offer isn’t without a price – he wants her soul. When Emma resists, Patrick attacks, forcing Gabriel to reveal a secret of his own: he’s spent the last four years training to hunt and kill creatures like Patrick, a powerful, ruthless Soul Eater.

When Emma discovers Patrick is also responsible for her friend’s death, she realizes she can’t hide behind Gabriel forever. With her soul on the line, she must learn to control the gift she thought was a curse and destroy Patrick to find the peace she so desperately craves.

THE ALTERED is a YA urban fantasy, complete at 63,000 words.

– J.K.

I’m afraid this query falls victim to one of the most common problems: not enough character detail. You have some nice detail about what happens to Emma, but nothing about how she moves beyond devastation to find the answers she seeks. I’d love more information about Gabriel and Patrick, as well. In particular Patrick — how old is he, for instance?

Otherwise, I do like the opening hook, and its pacing. Beyond that, however, it’s a little less than specific.

But maybe I’m just not feeling on top of my game today. What do you guys think?

Dear Ms. Unfeasible,

A near-death experience grants Drazoral a glimpse of her future, but after hearing that her life is the key to cleansing her home planet, she runs away to Earth, takes on a new identity, and, through trial and error, learns to blend in. As thirteen year old Drew Vardaman, she has the chance to start over. It’s her hope that, on Earth, she’ll be able to control her own destiny.

Although she has a rough start, Drew soon discovers what it means to be human through the guidance of her cryptic guardians, and her handler, Mr. Bleu. And just when she comes to peace with who she is and what life could mean on a planet like ours, a parasitic shadow starts possessing her classmates, forcing Drew to tap into the powers she’s been promised but hasn’t yet learned to master.

As the shadow grows stronger, Drew’s confidence becomes weaker. And though she realizes that playing it safe isn’t always the right thing to do, she sees that putting herself in harm’s way is giving into the destiny she was pre-ordained. When the sacrificing of one life is necessary to save the lives of an entire species, the choice to surrender seems clear. But when that one life is yours, there’s no wrong or right in the decision to fly or fight.

PLANET WEIRD is middle grade, supernatural fiction complete at 47,000 words. Thank you, Ms. Unfeasible, for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
D.M.

I’ve gone on record in the past about my lack of interest in “destiny” books — they’re only interesting to me at this point if they truly subvert the expected and do something original with the theme. So I’m leery of this, with phrases like “her life is the key to cleansing her home planet”, “It’s her hope that, on Earth, she’ll be able to control her own destiny” and “putting herself in harm’s way is giving into the destiny she was pre-ordained”. To me, there’s actually more of interest in her assumption that “When the sacrificing of one life is necessary to save the lives of an entire species, the choice to surrender seems clear”. Is she saying she would kill someone to save the world? Now THAT’S interesting!

Going back to more basic stuff, I don’t have any real sense of who Drazoral/Drew is beyond her destiny. What does she look like? Is her species close enough to human that she could just blend in on Earth without changing her appearance, or is she in disguise somehow? And if she can just blend in, why? What does that say about her species that we’re so similar? Are we linked?

My next question is about Mr. Bleu. How does Drew earn a handler? If she’s run away, it doesn’t seem as if she’d have the resources someone who might be on a mission would. So who is this guy?

I’m afraid I just can’t really follow what’s going on here. There’s some interesting bits, but too much is glossed over or left unexplained, and it’s not enough to entice.

Readers, what do you think? Do you agree? Disagree? Want a cookie?

Dear Ms. Testerman:

Thank you for hosting an “About My Query” session. I am a huge fan of your blog and Tumblr. I would appreciate your consideration of BLOOD PACT, my young adult fantasy novel complete at 67,000 words.

Best friends Faylinn and Luke were born to die.

In rural Alabama, where the cruel Unseelie faerie court has become the ruling class, the annual human sacrifice is the only thing keeping the tenuous peace between humans and fey. But as they prepare for their upcoming execution, seventeen-year-olds Faylinn and Luke uncover some disturbing truths: they’re half-fey themselves, and this year, their deaths won’t be enough to satisfy those in power. The Queen is hungry for blood, and if her twisted plan succeeds, the entire human race will be brutally annihilated.

With only each other to trust, Faylinn and Luke flee the Queen’s deadly hunt and set off on a quest to seek intervention from their people—the Seelie Court. Alone and on the run, the two grow closer than they’ve ever been, but as their relationship deepens, so do the layers of deceptions. Luke knows more about the Queen’s maniacal plan than he’s letting on, and Faylinn’s been hiding a lifelong secret of her own: she sees spirits.

Luke and Faylinn were once inseparable, destined to live and die side by side. Now, with the fey courts at war and the lives of everyone they love at stake, the teens must overcome their growing mistrust and fight together for what they believe in. But as they come into their own otherworldly powers, Luke and Faylinn face an even bigger battle: what if they no longer believe in the same thing?

I am an active member of SCBWI, Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers, YALitChat, and the Lighthouse Writers Workshop, where I continue to study creative writing with Sarah Ockler, author of Twenty Boy Summer. I also manage a blog, Twitter, and Facebook page for YA book lovers.

I appreciate your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
C.K.

And just to thank you all for commenting on these queries for the last two weeks, I’m thrilled to open up submissions once again for weekly About My Query posts. Not counting next week, since the (shopping) day after Thanksgiving counts as a holiday in my house, there are five more Fridays until the end of the year. I’ll post one a day, so the first five authors to send their queries to me at daphne.unfeasible@gmail.com with the subject line About My Query: [your title] will get a spot, and the rest of you will have to wait until January. Cool?

Dear Daphne,

Finding dead bodies is not what journalist-turned-real estate investor Amanda O’Flannigan had in mind when she changed careers. All she wanted was a distraction from the recent death of her fiancé. A former tenant dying in her arms doesn’t do much to help her grief. As she investigates the man’s death, Amanda stumbles into a web of lies and half-truths.

Two convicts, who Amanda helped put away as a journalist, have escaped. Intent on torturing and killing her, they’re on a warpath to her doorstep. Are they responsible for the growing number of murders among Amanda’s tenants?

Enter Rick Pierce. He has been in love with Amanda for a decade. A year and a half after the tragedy of her fiancé’s death, Rick has worked up the nerve to tell Amanda how he feels. With Amanda caught up in the past as she races to stop the men who want her dead, how will Rick make her see their future together?

Homebody is a 94,000-word mystery set in the Kansas City metro.

My story “Title” won a short-story contest hosted by the blog AuthorCulture (authorculture.blogspot.com). I recently accepted a position as reviewer at [Book Review Site] (web address) and have previously served as program coordinator for my local Sisters in Crime chapter. I also maintain a blog at [address] where I discuss a variety of topics including books and writing.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
L.S.

I like where you’re going with this! I couldn’t help but notice, though, that the first paragraph contains the words dead, dying, or death in some form, in every sentence. If the tone you’re going for is that Jennifer Crusie-style, one-thing-after-another snowball effect, then I think you can play it up EVEN more. Otherwise, it seems too silly for the “web of lies and half-truths” that follows.

Because the next paragraph gets REALLY dark — we’ve got convicts, torturing and killing, the warpath, and murders. Whoa.

And how exactly does Rick Pierce “enter”? Is he one of Amanda’s tenants? Do you we need to mention Amanda’s fiance’s death again here? It almost seems like more than enough to say Rick’s been in love with her for 10 years, and leave out that he waited 18 months after her fiance’s death. Although, I’ll admit I’m beginning to have my suspicions of Rick. Has his love for Amanda turned deadly?

I think I want to see more of the connection between the convicts and the current crimes, and what that has to do with Amanda’s past. I’d also love some indication of how Amanda feels about the whole thing — it’s all about other people, and we have very little sense of your MC.

Finally, I don’t know if it’s necessary to call attention to the setting of your mystery, and even if you want to “the Kansas City metro” seems a little awkward.

But maybe that’s just me. It would likely be a draw if you were submitting to local Kansas City agents or publishers, at least. Thoughts?

Dear (Agent),

One day, thirteen-year-old Elena decides not to write stories during class like she normally does and instead writes that the class bully gets detention. He does a minute later. It’s got to be her new pen – everything she writes with it comes true.

But then the pen writes of its own accord about a mystical fantasy land being overrun by demons. After a demon kidnaps her family and hides them in the land, Elena will do whatever she can to save them. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as writing a happy ending – whenever Elena uses the pen, someone turns into a demon, and she could be next.

ELENA’S PEN is a 66,000-word fantasy upper MG standalone novel with series potential. I believe readers of The Neverending Story and Graceling will enjoy my book.

I am the author of a fantasy romance trilogy, [Series] – [Title1] (2009), [Title2] (2010), and [Title3] (2011) published with [Small Press]. I have also published nine short stories for anthologies, including [Anthology Title] by [Other Small Press], and many collections by [Another Small Press], with four more being published before the end of the year.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

N.Z.

In the spirit of complete honesty, this is a query for a novel I’ve seen before, although this is a revised version of the query. Right off the bat, though, I still have questions that could be addressed. Who is Elena? What can you tell the reader about her? Right now, it’s all about the pen, which, given the name of the book is somewhat understandable, but I still think you want to describe or at least introduce your main character a little better. All I know is that she’s 13, and she normally writes stories in class. It is story-writing class? Is she doing it to avoid math, or science, or something like that? How did she come by the pen?

The next paragraph adds a further layer to the story — it’s not just about whatever Elena writes with the pen coming true. The demons that are created — do they appear in the real world, or in the mystical fantasy land the pen writes about?

I’d also love to know a little more about her relationship with her family. There’s so much drama in that in kids’ books, it seems well worth mentioning.

Your criedts are very good, and nicely played. Everything else sounds good. Readers, what do you think?