Dear Daphne,

I’m seeking representation for my women’s literature book, LIES MY MOTHER TOLD ME. It’s approximately 63,000 words.

My protagonist, Marty Wu, can’t admit that her status quo is woefully lacking. Take, for instance, her job. Four years running, it still pays through the nose, and there’s room for advancement. Never mind that she’s bored stiff with the work: Wouldn’t you be, working for something called Retirees’ Review?

Better yet, consider her twisted relationship with her mother. Marty knows there’s something wrong, but she’s in no hurry to either find out what it is, or change it. Flat-out lazy, some might call it.

But when Marty gets fired from her cushy job in a crash-and-burn, throw-up-on-the-bigwigs, sleep-with-her-best-client kind of way, she’s forced to take a good hard look at just how much of her life is constructed on a flimsy web of denial.

From New York to a trip in Las Vegas and an unexpected stint in her hometown in rural Taiwan, Marty’s on a personal quest to find out what it means to take responsibility for years of slacking off. Will she find what she’s looking for on the other side of the world?

I’ve been a freelance writer and editor for over 15 years. My short fiction has been published in Akkadian and 94 Creations, and won an honorable mention in Glimmer Train’s Winter Fiction Open. I am a contributor to The Origins of Nearly Everything, 100 Days of Monsters, and This is Brooklyn, among others. I am also the youngest-ever writer for the legendary J. Peterman catalog.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
YSL

Now, just because YSL is a friend, it doesn’t mean I’m going to be anything less than completely honest. So, to start, I dislike the phrase “women’s literature book” in a query. I don’t mind “women’s lit” or “women’s fiction,” if you like those, and I usually save “book” for once a manuscript’s been published.

I don’t think you need to include the phrase “My protagonist,” since it’s pretty well understood as Marty is the only character mentioned. I’ll admit I had to look up the proper definition of “status quo”, since my brain kept trying to read it as just “status,” and take it to mean something about her standing within the community and perhaps her family. And speaking of family, I’d love to hear more about the “twisted relationship” Marty has with her mother. Can you give a little more detail?

But I love the inciting incident that makes the story take off! I don’t know quite what the flimsy web of denial you refer to is, though — can you show something a little earlier that indicates how Marty is hiding from the truth?

In the list of places Marty looks for herself, I think you can simplify it to “From New York to Vegas with an unexpected stint in her hometown in rural Taiwan.” It reads as smoother to me. Finally, I want to know more about what it is she’s looking for! It seems like it should be bigger than just “what it means to take responsibility for years of slacking off.” Your credits are awesome, but you know that. I still remember being impressed you used to write those J. Peterman catalogue descriptions. I have a bio from a show I did in college that states that was my dream job.

Readers, what’s your take on LIES MY MOTHER TOLD ME?

And for those who’ve stuck around to the very end of today’s post, the announcement you’ve been waiting for! I’m looking for a few more queries to get me well into the spring. Please follow the submission guidelines as listed in this post. I’ll see how many I get, and if I need to close the call at any point. If so, I’ll do so on Twitter and here. Thanks!

Dear Daphne,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to have a critique of the query letter for my latest work IF ONLY YOU KNEW, a Christian based thriller that combines page-turning suspense and culture driven characters.

The mysterious disappearance of Ellie Halifax’s closest friend threw her ordinary, good girl life into a world of suspicion, interrogation, and some very strange, nearly fatal accidents. But the strangest thing of all might be that her hard-rock, soon to be stepbrother, Adam, seems to be her only chance of survival.

IF ONLY YOU KNEW is a fast paced 90,000 word contemporary Christian suspense novel set where Miami’s hotspot nightlife and the up and coming business word collide in two people struggling to uncover a secret much deeper than one girl’s disappearance.
It will appeal to fans of works by suspense authors like Terri Blackstock and Colleen Coble, but carries plenty of next generation twists and as much humor as heart-stopping moments.

After working as a research assistant for two non-fiction writers, I switched to fiction and published my first mystery novel, ONLY ANGELS ARE BULLETPROOF, through Tate Publishing in November of 2008. I am also actively involved in marketing through social networking as well as bookstore events and local media.

I am excited to read your comments. I know critique is one of the most valuable things a writer can have.

Sincerely,
EB

So, after I just said we could concentrate on the juicy middle, I do want to start with the introductory line, which would be similar in any email to an agent. Namely, your reference to your book as a “a Christian based thriller that combines page-turning suspense and culture driven characters.” First of all, I don’t think you need to say “Christian based” — I think just “Christian” is fine. I assume a thriller includes suspense — that’s sort of one of the hallmarks of the genre. And “page-turning” is one of those phrases that writers use that doesn’t actually add anything. Go ahead a stripe it. As for “culture driven characters” — I just don’t know what that means. What culture are you referring to? Christian? South Floridian? A statement like this should be followed up with a sense of the characters’ culture, but I don’t get that in this. Let’s keep looking, though.

Next, “The mysterious disappearance of Ellie Halifax’s closest friend threw her ordinary, good girl life into a world of suspicion, interrogation, and some very strange, nearly fatal accidents.” Again, I see what you’re trying to say here — her friend’s strange disappearance turns Ellie’s ordinary life into something vastly different — but it’s awkward. Maybe it’s the grammatical disconnect of throwing someone’s “life” into a “world.” I feel like you could throw Ellie into a world of suspicion, etc., and you could throw her good girl life into disarray. In either case though, it reads as a bit overdone. How else can you express this in a way that feels more organic to the story?

Moving on, just what exactly is so strange in the idea “that [Ellie's] hard-rock, soon to be stepbrother, Adam, seems to be her only chance of survival”? Why? What can you tell me about how the characters relate to each other that will make this statement make sense?

In the next paragraph, I like “fast-paced” better than “page-turning,” but note again that you’re telling, rather than showing. The phrase “where Miami’s hotspot nightlife and the up and coming business word collide in two people struggling to uncover a secret much deeper than one girl’s disappearance” also feels awkward — even though I assume you mean “world” not “word.” I also think, if you use this phrase, that “up-and-coming” should have hyphens. But what I really want to know is WHY the nightlife is colliding with the business world? Who are these two people from these (to my mind) not-so-different worlds? Can you give a further hint about the disappearance? What does it mean? What does it suggest, rather, since you don’t want to give away the whole plot?

In the final paragraph, the fact of you working for two non-fiction authors doesn’t seem to necessitate a “switch” to fiction. Your publishing credit looks nice up until an agent realizes it’s a self-publishing credit. You may want to be more upfront and name it as such, or leave it out altogether unless you can provide sales numbers of more than one or two thousand copies.

Readers, what do you think? Please share your thoughts on improving EB’s query in the comments.

But I did want to make sure you saw the fantastic interview with Josie Bloss than Meg Cabot posted on her blog! Please do check it out, and consider picking up your own copy of Albatross!

My favorite part may be the picture of Josie and Meg at one of Meg’s signings years before. It reminds me of a picture of myself from college, when some friends and I went down to New Orleans over Spring Break, and I insisted on our visiting Anne Rice’s house in the Garden District. (I was a huge fan of her vampire books, looooooong before the current vampire publishing phase.) We were looking at the outside when who should pull up but Anne Rice herself! So yeah, I totally got a picture — and years later, when I worked at Janklow & Nesbit, I got to work on some of her books!

What authors have you met that inspired you in some way?

Considering your current manuscript (either one you’re currently writing, editing, or querying), who do you think is the primary audience? You’ll see I’m not going to let you answer “everyone.” That doesn’t help anyone. I’ve broken the answers down by sex and general age range. Feel free to be more descriptive in the comments — i.e. “I write for the teenage girl audience who loved “Hunger Games” but hates “Twilight.”

I look forward to seeing the results!

What I don’t do: just pick random queries that are sent to me for consideration as an agent to post and pick apart.

What I do: every few weeks, I will put out a call on my blog for queries to post. Then, and only then, should you send me your query in an email with the subject line “About My Query: YOUR TITLE”, where “your title” of course represents your actual book’s title. All of these emails should be emailed to daphne.unfeasible@gmail.com, NOT to queries@ktliterary.com. I’ll anonymize your name and use your initials or some other nickname that you request. (WordPress doesn’t think “anonymize” is a word, but I like, so I’m using it! Also, FreeDictionary.com totally says it is, so there.)

Once I get your query for an AMQ post, I will email you with the date that it will be posted. At any point before that time, if you change or revise your query, I ask that you email me back with your edited query, so that I can post the most up-to-date letter.

I do things this way because, in the past, I just let people send me AMQ posts whenever they felt like it, and I often ran into the problem of posting queries only to get comments from the author that said, basically, “Oh, this old thing? Yeah, I completely changed it, and I got an agent, and I just sold my book for a bazillion dollars.”

When I do open my mailbox for AMQ posts, I’m hoping that I won’t have to set a specific number of how many posts I’m looking for. So far, I’ve been able to take what I get and schedule posts for a few weeks (somewhere between 5 and 8, maybe). If I get 25 next time, I think I may have to cap it at a lower number — in which case, yes, I will let those authors who are over the cap know to try again in a few weeks.

So, them’s the facts. Any questions I haven’t answered? Put ‘em in the comments, and I’ll answer them there. And stay tuned — I expect to put out a new call for queries shortly!

Sarah Fisk! Sarah, please send an email to daphne.unfeasible@gmail.com with your mailing address, and I’ll get the latest adventures of Scarlett, Spencer, Mrs. A, and the whole gang off to you!

As for the Oscar ceremony itself, for all that the movie Precious is subtitled “Based on the novel Push by Sapphire”, I found it somewhat obnoxious that the winner of the Best Adapted Screenplay award didn’t thank the author! But what were your favorite Oscar moments?

And now, onto the query!

Dear Ms. Unfeasible,

Sixteen-year-old Skylar Jones hasn’t seen her jailbird mother in ten years. So when mommy dearest arrives on the doorstep armed with apologies, Skylar has no idea what to do.

Skylar would prefer meeting up with the Wicked Witch to seeing her mom again. But fragmented childhood memories– her mom’s shallow dimples when she smiled, their hands twined together– convince Sky to chase after a reason to let her mom back in. To figure out whether she can trust her mom Skylar puts the motto her mother taught her to live by, “Find Heaven on Earth,” to the test. If it was more of her mother’s drugged up bullshit, Sky plans to dump her childhood memories in the nearest ditch and move on.

Artistic Skylar’s version of heaven is nothing more than a stunning colour palette, so she sets about getting blissed out on colour combinations. She lights illegal fireworks at the local park, letting pink and green spark above her. But heaven’s yet to appear and Skylar just discovered why her mom finally came back: she’s dying of cancer. Skylar’s attempts to find heaven become desperate. When she jogs headfirst into a field of speeding cars – yellow headlights, red taillights, rusty bumpers and the bruise-coloured evening – and her heart rate doesn’t spike, Skylar realises she’s no longer just looking for a reason to trust her mom. She’s searching for a reason to live, and a way to make peace with her past, but heaven’s still slipping through her fingers.

SKYLAR’S STORY is a 45,000 word contemporary YA novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Vee

I really like the start of this. It’s a good, quick summary of the set-up. I have some question about the term “jailbird,” since I’m not sure if you just mean a person who’s been in jail, someone who’s been in and out of jail repeatedly, or if you mean someone who’s literally “flown the coop,” or escaped. Using the word “armed” in the next sentence gives me another pause, but I’ll read on for clarification.

The next paragraph causes me to stumble a bit. You say “Skylar would prefer meeting up with the Wicked Witch to seeing her mom again” but Skylar isn’t really given a choice about “seeing” her mom. She just shows up on her doorstep. Unless this alludes to a follow-up “seeing,” in which case, I’d want to know more about it. Is her mom staying with her? Asking her to meet regularly?

You ask the reader to assume a bad relationship between mother and daughter, and then contrast it with the “fragmented childhood memories”, which are lovely images. I’m less sure about Skylar “chasing” after a reason to let her mother back in, especially when the method she’s using to test things is a motto from her mom in the first place. Do you see how this can confuse the reader? By one way of thinking, the very method she’s using to find a reason to believe is a reason. Twisty!

The phrase “If it was more of her mother’s drugged up bullshit,” doesn’t seem to me to agree with the tense of the rest of the query. But it does put another thought into my head — is Skylar ALSO on drugs? Her actions, as you describe them in the next paragraph, don’t just seem like the normal actions of an artist — they seem like those of an artist on drugs. Does Skylar turn to drugs to help her deal with the reason behind her mom’s return?

In fact, by the time I get to the end of the third paragraph, you tell me that Skylar’s searching for a reason to live, which — OMG! — is a MUCH BIGGER issue to deal with than just her mom’s return and diagnosis.

By the end, I suppose I just don’t know what this story is. I’m intrigued by aspects of it, but I don’t get enough detail to compel me to read more.

So that’s my opinion. Readers, how do you find this query?

If you were given an award for your life’s work — call it a Newbery, Printz, Caldecott, Oscar, Grammy, Emmy, Tony, or what have you — who would you thank? What would your acceptance speech sound like? Would it be short and sweet? Funny? Inspirational? A laundry list of names?

Give it a try in the comments, and I’ll pick a random commenter and award them not with an Oscar, but with a Scarlett. Scarlett Fever, that is. Extra bonus: no one will be played off! Take all the time you need.

In additional to just the normal stuff of getting caught up after a week away, I’m also prepping for my trip to the Bologna Book Fair later this month, where I’ll be meeting with dozens of foreign editors and talking about my authors and my books. Things are going to be busy busy busy around here for the next few weeks! I’m thinking of another round of guest posts while I’m in Italy — what do you think? Do you want to hear more from my authors (and maybe a few additional guest bloggers) or do you want me to just set up some scheduled posts of my own? Let me know in the comments!

And speaking of European trips, have you seen the gorgeous cover to Stephanie Perkins’ debut novel Anna and the French Kiss? Love!

Except, it doesn’t always work like that.

Sometimes that first book never finds a publisher. Sometimes the project dies along the route to publication, and you and your agent have to go back to square one–which is what happened with my first book. My deal died in the pipeline and we had to go back out on submission, which hasn’t proved as successful as the first time around.

So what do I do now? Well, I write another book. Only this time it’s not so easy.

With book one, I had no clue about “the market” and whether or not my book would fit. I just wrote the story that was buzzing around my brain and it turned out to be a pretty good one. But now–having had a brief taste of what it’s like–I’m keenly aware that my next book should be something editors will want. Oh, I still believe I have to write a story that calls to my heart, but I have lots of ideas. The trick now is to find the one that can keep its head above water in a market swamped with zombies, angels, demons, werewolves, and vampires. Yeah. No pressure there.

It also seems like I’ve got a lot of other people in my head while working on book two that I didn’t have with book one. Writing partners who are so much better than I am. An agent who is certainly going to dump me if I don’t finish this project immediately. And that imaginary editor who will reject the entire book if I make the main character’s dad a cheater instead of a chronic gambler. Instead of being motivating, it can be sometimes paralyzing.

And finally, when I first sold my book, I joined a group called The Tenners, whose books are scheduled for publication in 2010. Now I’m watching their books hit the shelves and while I’m happy for them–no, I really am!–their successes make my disappointment that much stronger. Sometimes it’s enough to make me want to throw in the towel.

I’m not telling you all this because I’m looking for a pity party–although I’d take a cupcake if you’ve got one. I’m just here to serve as a real life reminder that publishing is full of pitfalls.

So what do I do now?

I pick myself up, dust myself off, log off the Internet, and write.

Trish Doller is hard at work on her next novel, and is a fantastic cheerleader for her fellow Tenners. Learn more about her and other kt literary clients here.