Ask Daphne! About My Query LXXXVII

gillianjacobs117063392-419x629Some unforgetable shoes for T.P. — although I may have already posted them once, I can’t remember. (See what I did there?) Continuing the theme, here’s today’s About My Query post:

Dear Ms. Unfeasible,

A first love is hard to forget. Luckily for Liz Wagner hers moves away, but when his grandmother is diagnosed with dementia and is unable to live alone, he returns.

Zach is back. Who cares? Liz certainly doesn’t. Until Zach starts showing up everywhere even rekindling the bromance of video games with her brother. Now she cares. It’s official. Zach is out to ruin her life. Ugh!

While Liz deals with the emotional turmoil of a first love returned, a real tragedy strikes at her brothers college, causing her to lean on the one person she has been desperately trying to avoid.

She needs Zach more than ever. Even if she just thinks of him as a ride to get her to the hospital. But once there he becomes the glue keeping her from falling apart and makes her wonder… is it possible for two people to change yet still be perfect for each other?

And once the dust settles and the world is right again, will she be brave enough to open her heart to the boy who ripped it out?

Displaced Hearts is a 60,000 word contemporary young adult novel that explores love, loss and rediscovery. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

T.P.

First of all, I think this would start off stronger with “Your first love is hard to forget”, instead of the more general “A first love.” And why is is lucky for Liz that hers moves away — the usual assumption about someone you love would be that you’d want them to stick around. That being said, was it a deliberate choice to contrast the “hard to forget” line with Zach’s grandmother’s dementia? I think a lot of readers would see that and think you’re making a pun about memory.

The next paragraph is way too choppy, and the one line that doesn’t feel so is weirdly long or incorrectly punctuated. Moving on, you’ve got several more short paragraphs that I think would be better combined into one, longer one — even if that means losing some details. And speaking of details, I think you should be more specific about the tragedy that strikes. It’s obvious that it affects Liz’s brother, else why is she at the hospital regularly? You should say so.

I’m also wary of too many questions. I like “Is it possible for two people to change yet still be perfect for each other?”, but am less enamored of “will she be brave enough to open her heart to the boy who ripped it out?” When you combine those with “Who cares?” in the second paragraph, it’s about two too many.

Otherwise, though, it looks good! What do my brilliant blog readers think?

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