if it’s too difficult for grown-ups, write for children

Ask Daphne! About My Query LXV

superheroIn honor of Comic Con this weekend, some superhero Miu Miu shoes for RPG, who contributed today’s letter for our About My Query post. Shall we begin?

Dear Ms. Unfeasible,

For sixteen-year-old Cameron Ware, there is only one thing worse than realizing that her menacing, half sister Terri is right about them being descendents of the most powerful witch that has ever existed. What’s worse is that in a moment of insecurity Cameron asks Terri to help her cast a spell on her own boyfriend, Jonathan.

Not only does this spell alter the course of Jonathan’s life, it also entwines Cameron into a world of witchcraft where her infinite power and gene pool is coveted and sought after— most aggressively by Terri. In the midst of a complete physical deterioration that eventually befalls all witches, Terri draws Cameron even further in. She believes that Cameron has inherited the power and eternal beauty that should belong to her.

Cameron regrets the harm that her involvement in witchcraft has caused and is willing to give Terri whatever she wants in order to protect herself and everything she loves. But when Cameron realizes that giving Terri what she wants will have tragic consequences she accepts who she is and everything that comes along with it.

The Village at Copper Creek is a 70,000-word YA fantasy novel.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
RPG

Thanks for your query, RPG! I have some comments starting at the top, and then we’ll open for comments from the informed peanut gallery. First of all, I think there’s a lot of information in those first two lines — which is good, because it sets up the whole story nicely, but bad, too, because it’s a little confusing. I keep trying to read it as “the only thing worse than” which would leave the sentence unfinished. Basically, it may be late on a Friday afternoon, and I may have seen one too many pictures of scantily clad superheros and slave Leias, but I think you broke my brain.

I’m definitely curious to know more about the complete physical deterioration that Terri’s in the middle of, but I think you can be more specific about the “tragic consequences”, as well as about what kind of spell is cast that alter’s Jonathan’s life.

What I think I’m basically saying is, good start, but see if you can’t add some specifics that really make us care about Cameron and her predicament.

What do you guys think?

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