Ask Daphne! About My Query LVI

summersandalsAs a contrast with last week’s post where I analyzed each and every line of the query, today I’m going to let you do the heavy lifting. Let’s see what we have, shall we?

Dear Daphne:

Marguerite Navarre is an Argent, part of the aristocratic race of her country, Maore. Everything changes when her home compound is attacked by fierce, sword welding blackbirds that murder her parents. She escapes to be rescued by young men of the subservient race of Silvers. Silvers are prevented by law from owning property, learning to read, or associating with Argents. But outside after curfew, these men do not follow the rules. Marguerite convinces the Silvers to help her flee to the capital to warn the Empereur. Along the way, she discovers that Silvers are more than she has been told.

Reaching the capital, Marguerite is confronted by the Empereur with extraordinary news. She has manifested the lost magic of her world. A magic that only works when a Silver and an Argent together form a bond called heartsouls. It can only be a joke of the Spirits that her heartsoul is her opposite in every way, from his enormous confidence to his astonishing lack of scruples.

Empereur Agenor dreams of using the mismatched couple to bring magic back to the country by removing the hostility between the races. But this cannot happen if the Argents continue to die. To this end, Empereur Agenor demands Marguerite and her unpredictable heartsoul become weapons to stop those responsible for continuing to murder her race.

Now Marguerite must face the disdain of her fellow Argents and trust the charming Silver with whom she has bonded, despite the ease with which he lies.

My completed novel, Heartsouls, is an epic fantasy at just over 140,000 words. It is the first of a series, with the second well on its way. This being my first novel, I have no previous publications to boast of or professional accolades.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.
M.H.

So, I look to you for the specifics of this query review. I will tell you what concerns me, in general, is that we’re introduced to so many different names — of people, of races, of enemies, of loves — that the story gets lost in the world-building. I want to know how Marguerite and the unnamed Silver feel about being used by their ruler, not just his plan.

What do you think?

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