I muchly appreciate the help

Everyone else has already made great suggestions, but one sentence stuck out to me : A childhood hellhound attack that left a nasty scar is just one of many reasons not to.

Sentences will always sound stronger if they end on a noun or active verb. Rewording sentences that end on words like 'to', 'at', or prepositions is a good way to strengthen the rhythm of your writing. Would something like this work?: A nasty scar left by a childhood hellhound attack (maybe here insert the location so we know where she left – back in Wisconsin – or whatever the case may be) is only one of many reasons she escaped.

Hope that helps!

Jami G.

That may have just been my too-hasty reading, but it's something to consider. In any case, good luck with this – it piqued my interest, too:)

(Also, the tone reminded me of ENCHANTED, INC. by Shanna Swendson. You may want to check out her stuff, especially since she's repped by Kristin Nelson, another great agent and a state-mate of Daphne's.)

The other suggestions here are very good on combining sentences to give it a better flow. I agree with Daphne about removing "cynophobia" since most people won't know what it means. I only learned the word when I last read this query.

Also, ALWAYS READ THE FAE PRINT has to be the best title ever.

Good luck! I hope I see this on the shelves in the future.

But if I saw this on the shelf, I would read this book. I like urban fantasy, and the fact that it's set someplace interesting is a bonus.

Wouldn't she be half human if her mom is a shapeshifter? You mentioned the Atlantic ocean seperating her from where she grew up so I assume it was in the U.S. I would think a Hell Hound attack would draw some big time attention.

Maybe you can rewrite the second paragraph to something like:

When she finds out the fae have much more ambitious plans than simply dealing in human souls, her conscience drags her kicking and screaming back into the life she

tried to leave behind. Armed with nothing but a clunky iron bracelet and some mad improvisation skills, she must survive rogue fae trying to kill her, spriggans chasing her through the Amsterdam streets and a couple of mentally unstable Germanic gods.

Overall I liked this query. Good luck!

I thought maybe condensing a few sentences might help it flow a bit better as well. Something along the lines of:

Now twenty-six , living halfway across the world, she’s determined to enjoy a blissfully magic-free life, until her estranged mother shows up at her doorstep. With her father’s soul as the final re-payment of an old debt, Lillian puts everything on the line, delving back into a life she’s worked so hard to escape; armed only with a clunky iron bracelet and mad improvisation skills.

Just my two pence. I love the title as well!

This phrase took me to thoughts of Harry Potter: "A childhood hellhound attack that left a nasty scar." Watch out for cliche-ish sounding phrases: "As it turns out," and "on the line." I'd suggest tightening some sentences or breaking them up as I got lost and had to reread. "Her job, relationship and apartment get put on the line as Lillian’s conscience drags her kicking and screaming back into the life she’s tried to escape from, armed with nothing but a clunky iron bracelet and some mad improvisation skills."

The title is funny!