Read the above letter and although I agree about the detail being a bit confusing and the confounding spelling of Aarayana (I teach elementary school I can get atrocious name spelling from my class list thanks), I would read this book, no question.

I love love love your plot it sounds exciting and fun, a great read for writers. Keep up the good work, Kathleen!

And I agree with Amy Sue Nathan. Sometimes it's easier just writing from scratch than trying to revise.

Good luck with it!

For clarification purposes: In Fiction, whatever an author writes about a character instantly becomes true. In Reality, it is whatever an author says about her characters. Anne is a little confused by Nicholas (who is dating her to distract her from writing the book) and jokingly plays a game of "he loves me, he loves me not." So Nicholas quite literally starts telling his roomate that he loves Anne, but he doesn't…but he does.

This is how he is "forced" to love Anne. If he could decide that he doesn't love her, he would become Real because that would be acting directly against his author's words. (This has to happen in Reality. A character can only become Real in Reality. Likewise a Real person could turn Fictional in Fiction.)

And to answer you question, Adam:

" What does it mean he’s no longer a “fictional match” for the Baron? Can he not enter the fictional world anymore?"

The second answer is right. (Real people sometimes enter the world of Fiction through supernatural places such as the Bermuda Triangle and Haunted houses.)

In the book that Anne is writing, Nicholas is prophesied to be the only mage powerful enough to defeat the Baron. When he becomes real, he loses most of the magic that enables him to fight the Baron. He also no longer has the physical stamina of a fictional hero. So in order to escape the Baron, Anne has to figure out a way to defeat him without the failsafe aid of prophecy. I'm not sure how to shorten that enough for the query, so I will definitely consider leaving that line out.

Thank you again for the comments!

Rewrite it with a less-is-more mindset and see what you come up with. Meaning, sometimes it's better and easier to rewrite than to revise.

Good luck!

In both versions, I like the penultimate line outlining the stakes: "Nicholas must return to the Block to rescue Anne, before the Baron realizes he’s kidnapped his author and can control the rest of the book."

I'm confused about the last line though. What does it mean he's no longer a "fictional match" for the Baron? Can he not enter the fictional world anymore? Or can he enter it, but he no longer has the power he needs to beat the Baron? Both possibilities raise further questions for me, which is why I think you might delete that line entirely. Unless you can think of a brief way to make it more clear, of course.

But as the others have said, the query was confusing. I really like Rachel's rewrite.

Definitely streamline the query. Leave out the parts about other people who have become real and the King Arthur part. I don't like the line "he has no choice but to fall in love with her" – something about it rubs me the wrong way. Is he faking it and using her to become real? Why do her actions remove his choices about falling in love with her. He should either love her or not.

This is a book I would read. Edit the query more and I bet you will have a winner. Good luck!

Nicholas is a character trapped in an unfinished romance novel, but he discovers a way to give his author writer’s block so he can make his escape. He enters a realm of fiction where characters live when their creators are unable to write, and meets a few including the unsavory Baron Farent. From there, he learns that it is possible to enter reality, and live in the real world – but only for a limited time. If his author, Anne, begins writing again, he’ll be sent back to his book.

His only chance for freedom is to find her and give her permanent writer’s block. He decides the best way to distract her is by wooing her, but as they spend time together, he can’t help falling in love with her. Before he has a chance to tell her, potentially ruining the relationship because real people don’t fall in love in three days,(I liked that line a lot) the Baron enters reality and kidnaps her in an effort to lure Nicholas back to the world of fiction. Nicholas must return to rescue her before the Baron realizes he’s kidnapped the author and has the power to control the rest of the book – and his life. But there’s one problem, Nicholas has become real and is no longer a fictional match for the Baron.

As far as suggestions, I would simplify the query and leave all the details to the synopsis. What caught my attention as a good hook was the concept of two characters in an unfinished romance novel who want out of their marriage but need the author's help. As the rest of the query focuses on Nicholas, I agree with Kate that a good way to streamline the query is to concentrate on him. Also, you may want to re-examine the terminology in the ms surrounding Reality, Real, realm of Fiction, etc. to see if it could be more clear. Best of luck!