Ask Daphne! About My Query XXXIII

zombiestomperheelI’m so excited! I have the PERFECT shoes for this post. Check it. That being said, you all know how this goes: I post a query, give you my thoughts, you all chime in with your comments in the aptly-named comments.

Dear Ms. Unfeasible,

Eighteen-year-old Eden Rosenberg knows how to kill and she’s damn good at it. Until recently, her life was pretty easy – get a call from her team’s mysterious employer, jet off to a new location, kill some zombies.

But the most recent call is different from the others. Instead of being an isolated incident in the middle of nowhere, it’s an entire village at risk. By the time the team shows up, the village is empty, leaving only a handful of infected wandering the streets. Or so it seems until they’re ambushed by far too many zombies for their five-person team to deal with.

On the run and trapped within the valley, Eden is separated from her team when she tries to save a little girl from the inevitable fate of the bitten. To make matters worse, she’s forced to rely on Alejandro, the one man she swore never to trust again, to watch her back.

As Eden races to reunite with her team, she’ll have to deal with a homicidal priest who’s more than what he seems and a group of survivors she’s pretty sure are too stupid to live. But things are more complicated than she realized and soon Eden’s forced to confront the truth about the infection. It isn’t an accident and those responsible will do anything to ensure no one gets out of the valley alive.

My young adult novel, HUNTER OF THE DEAD is complete at 64,000 words. Sample chapters and a synopsis are available upon request.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.

Sincerely,
K.R.

Oooh! Exciting! I think we can call this a pretty darn good example of a query. The first paragraph sets up the story very well: our main character kills zombies as part of a special forces-type team, funded as persons unknown. The next paragraph tells us why THIS mission is different, why it’s worthy of a book when others were not.

From there, K.R. moves right into the action — and check out the action words she uses: run, trapped, separated, forced, races. Reading these words, I know we’re dealing with a non-stop kind of thriller, and hearing Eden refer to some of the survivors as “too stupid to live” gives me a idea of her sense of humor, and that this book isn’t going to all serious.

A couple of minor quibbles: Eden is separated from her team, but still relies on Alejandro to watch her back. Does that mean both of them are separated from the rest of the team? Or is there some other kind of history with Alejandro, and he’s not part of the team now, but just happens to be in the village? Either way, I think you can explain this a little more. And I think you can link “the truth of the infection” with the following sentence actually explaining what that truth is by using a colon, rather than keeping the two sentences separate.

I don’t say this often about these queries, but this is something I would definitely like to see more of. K.R., would you send me the first five chapters and your full synopsis?

What do you think? Do you agree with me? Would you want to read more?

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