Comments on: Ask Daphne! About My Query XXX

By: Kristina

Kristina — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:41:25 +0000

Thanks Kate, Ash, and J & K. I wanted you to know that your comments really do make a difference. I hope other writers listen to you as much as I did.

By: kt literary » Blog Archive » Twitter Advice

kt literary » Blog Archive » Twitter Advice — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:05:19 +0000

[...] more spot for this year’s weekly posts, then I’m cutting them off until January. See Friday’s post for instructions on how to [...]

By: Kate

Kate — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:36:58 +0000

Kristina -

This is MUCH stronger! Good luck with it!

Cheers,

Kate

By: Kristina

Kristina — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:33:34 +0000

Thanks Jamie. This is what I have so far. Because of the changes, I am not longer using the Sarah Dessen comparison.

Calleigh Clarkson is a rising star on the high school swim team. But that all changes during a party before her sophomore year tryouts. Unable to tell her parents and friends the truth about what happened, she’s forced to suffer through frequent nightmares and terrifying flashbacks. But those are easier to deal with than to admit the real reason why she never showed up for tryouts and quit swimming altogether.

Brought up to believe self-help books are the answer to everything, Calleigh’s determined to deal with her issue on her own. Then she meets Aaron, a former competitive swimmer. He’s struggling with his own tragic secret, but Calleigh soon realizes in order to save him, she needs to do the one thing she’s not comfortable doing: letting someone else reach out to help her.

With Aaron’s help, Calleigh rediscovers her passion for swimming. But when the obsessed fan who raped her steps back into her life, Calleigh has to decide which is more important: protecting her secret or continuing to heal.

By: Jamie Harrington

Jamie Harrington — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:56:23 +0000

Kristina… will you put the new query up in the comments so we can look at that?

By: Kristina

Kristina — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 06:13:55 +0000

Thanks Kate and everyone else who commented. The query has been completely changed so the only thing remaining from before is: Lost in a Heartbeat is a 80,000 word YA contemporary novel. I guess those 6 hours of pouring through various agents' blogs and blogs on writing queries left me more confused than anything. No one seems to agree on how to write one. I went with one suggestion and it failed. Miserably. Much like my spelling of reevaluate. Still kicking myself for that.

By: J & K, Newbie Au

J & K, Newbie Au — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:44:25 +0000

Here is how I read the query. In the first paragraph I thought, oh Calleigh was raped, then oh no, there's a terrifying secret so it must be something else.

In the second paragraph I thought well, whatever has happened is, she has a nice boyfriend Aaron who is trying to help her.

n the third paragraph, I saw the line about the guy dealing with his own secrets, and I thought who is this? A new character? The rapist? Are we going to see three perspective's: Calleigh's, Aaron's and and unnamed attacker? Maybe Calleigh went out with a second boy behind Aaron's back and it turned into date-rape. Now she can't tell Aaron the truth because she betrayed him in the first pace by going with the other boy.

In a book, I like those ups and downs. In the query, I think I need know the setup clearly.

Kudos to you for taking on such a a tough topic in what looks to be an interesting way.

By: Ash

Ash — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:07:03 +0000

Ha! NB mentioned the "in the same vein" in his blog recently I think. Maybe that's where the author got it from.

Anyway, I thought it didn't flow well either and that a lot could be throw out. With a novel like this, I would make an impact with the first sentence. An example,

"Seventeen-year-old (name here)'s life comes to a stand still when she's raped. Suddenly, all her vibrant future plans fade to gray grieving over the loss of her (put strong word here). Then, (go into the overall conflict between her and Aaron. Like, what he does to try and help her or something. I don't know. this is all off the top of my head so feel free to ignore.