Ask Daphne! About My Query XXII

September 25th, 2009 • Kate

monk-blackHappy Friday, readers! Ready to chime in with your thoughts and advice on another About My Query? Then let’s get going, with monk shoes for Matthew — did you know a “monk shoe” is a style of shoe with no lacing, closed by a buckle and strap? Men’s footwear is such a learning process for me! And speaking of learning processes…

Dear Daphne,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult fiction novel, which has the working title “Warrior-Monks” and is complete. Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is mature enough and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader as well. I also feel obligated to inform you that this is not an exclusive submission and although I do not yet have an offer of representation there are several other agents who have requested and are currently reading full or partial versions of the manuscript.

The book is about a teen aged boy named Lee, who is from a broken family and who eventually ends up being sent to a unique reform school in Northern Idaho after he is expelled from a normal boarding school and kicked out of his aunt and uncle’s home. He is very worried about what will go on at this school but eventually discovers that he enjoys the curriculum. They teach him things like Aikido, Meditation and Calligraphy and take him and several other students camping and backpacking in the mountains in Montana as he grows and puts his self-conscious and shy tendencies behind him. The story does not begin to incorporate any magical realism until about halfway through, when the students begin to discover some magic of the everyday sort in the curriculum, which is based on east-Asian calligraphy and Buddhist/Hindu mysticism. It is an introspective and character driven novel in which the plot is not necessarily the focus but still has enough interesting occurrences to move the tale along as the reader comes to know and love the characters.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.

Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 555-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

1234 Main St.
Hometown USA, 00000

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Matthew

There’s lots to work with here, Matthew, but I also think there’s a LOT you can cut. For instance, your first paragraph? Should read “I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, Warrior-Monks.” Slash and burn! First of all, of course you know how I feel about the phrase “fiction novel.” As for telling me your novel is complete — well, of course it is. There’s no reason you should be querying if it’s not. You certainly don’t need to tell any agent who would be interested in representing YA about the YA market, and saying it’s “compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader” shows a lack of interest n your preferred market. If you’re writing for YA, write for YA. It’s more than worthy enough.

So, moving onto the second paragraph, I think you need to find a way to make the hook stand out. What’s your one-sentence description of the book? Start there, and expand on that. “Sent to reform school by his aunt and uncle, his last living relatives, Lee discovers a hidden mysticism in the curriculum, and XXXXX,” in which “XXXXX” represents what happens. Having fully-developed characters in your novel is a great thing, don’t get me wrong, but something has to HAPPEN. I absolutely would not say that “the plot is not necessarily the focus,” and I can’t imagine a YA audience falling in droves for a pure character study. How does Lee put his shy, self-conscious tendencies behind him? Does he become friends with the other students? Do they have to band together against something? Why was he kicked out of his previous school and sent to reform school anyway? What else can you tell me about the other characters?

As for waiting until halfway through to bring some magic realism into the tale, I worry you’ll lose your audience long before that, if you promise them a mystical story and put off delivering. Think of some great books you’ve read, particularly in the genre you’re writing. Consider the famed five act story structure:

    *exposition
    * rising action
    * climax (or turning point)
    * falling action
    * resolution

I think the introduction of magic certainly needs to happen in the second section, especially if it’s going to have an effect on the resolution. But that’s story structure, not query help.

Back to the query — put your address and phone number below your signature line, with a link to your website or blog, if you have one, and don’t waste space in your letter with your contact information. If you really want to mention that your query is non-exclusive, put it here in the closing, although unless an agent specifically asks for exclusivity, most of us assume you’re querying widely.

Readers — any other comments?

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13 Responses to “Ask Daphne! About My Query XXII”

  1. Lydia Says:

    I would definitely cut the line about how Christopher Paolini has proved that you don't have to be an experienced first novelist to write a first novel. I don't think any agent reading this is going to smack herself in the forehead and say, "Oh my god, you're right! You DON'T have to be published to be awesome." So it just comes off as patronizing and desperate.

  2. Feliza Says:

    I agree with Lydia about cutting the "Christopher Paolini" line. I think it could be replaced with something like, "This is my first novel." Short, simple, and makes the same point without seeming defensive.

  3. Jamie Harrington Says:

    For some reason this comes off as a little egotistical. The whole "lots of other agents have this, so you better get on it if you want your shot at repping me" sentence, and then the whole you don't have to be experienced to write a first novel thing…

    No one needs to know it's your first. Just leave that part out. In fact, I'd leave pretty much everything out EXCEPT the story. (I'm guilty of short query-itis though) If you don't have any credits, etc. to your name-then there's no reason to call attention to it.

    Good Luck!

  4. Karen Says:

    I agree with everyone here. That first paragraph should go almost entirely. The only thing that should be in there is the title, WORD COUNT, genre and the hook if you have it. The rest of it should go.

    I feel like the second paragraph is more like a conversation instead of a summary. You want it to read like the blurb on the back of a book cover and you've never picked up a book and read, "This book is about a teenaged boy…" No, they are always something like, "Sent to reform school by his aunt and uncle, his last living relatives, Lee discovers a hidden mysticism in the curriculum…" as Daphne has pointed out.

    And as others have said, never put in the query that you have never been published. The agent will know that by the lack of publishing credits in your bio paragraph.

    From what I can dig out, you may have a decent story here, but you are really going to have to rework the query to make the story shine through.

    Hope that helps!

  5. Feliza Says:

    I agree that the first paragraph needs some trimming as well, but I'm wondering if it wouldn't be a good idea to mention that this manuscript is already being reviewed by other agents.

    Do you all think that was unnecessary? I'm honestly not sure about it. It seems like a courteous thing to do, but then again, I'm not sure if non-exclusivity and the like isn't already implied.

  6. Feliza Says:

    Erm… That is, "I'm not sure if non-exclusivity and the like AREN'T already implied." This is what I get for abstaining from coffee on the weekends.

  7. Krista G. Says:

    I agree with Jamie Harrington that the tone comes off as a bit egotistical, and that immediately turned me off. Tone aside, though, I tend to shy away from statements that tell me how I'm going to feel about a book (i.e., "I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find…"). Let the writing speak for itself.

    The second paragraph is pretty unwieldy, both in size and content. You might consider breaking it up into several smaller paragraphs so as to be easier on the eyes. As for the content, give us more specifics about Lee and his experiences, and tell us these specifics from Lee's perspective. That will give your pitch more substance; as it is, we seem to be skimming over the surface of the story, not diving into it.

    Your biographical paragraph is more lecture than biography. Agents already know that you don't have to have any real credentials to write a novel; they sign debut novelists all the time. So just give them a few highlights about yourself, focusing on any professional experience you may have with the issues in your novel. Less is almost always more in a query.

    Oh, and just one more small suggestion: Instead of encapsulating your title in quotation marks, try using all caps. Quotation marks are only appropriate to set off titles of smaller works, like articles, and italicization doesn't always transfer well in e-mails.

  8. Matthew Says:

    As the author of both this novel and this query, I would like to thank everyone for their comments. They were all quite helpful and insightful and I really appreciate all of you taking the time to provide some constructive criticism.

  9. Matthew Says:

    If anyone has time I would really love to hear your thoughts on this revision:

    Dear Daphne,

    I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, which has the working title WARRIOR MONKS.

    Fifteen year old Lee is a reluctant juvenile delinquent. He never means to get himself into trouble but trouble seems to have quite a knack for gathering him into its clutches nonetheless. All of that begins to change, however, when his cruel Aunt and Uncle, his last surviving relatives that the courts have assigned as his guardians and conservators ship him off to a unique reform school in the bitter wilderness of Northern Idaho. He is so terrified by the idea of the place that he runs away from home, but soon enough he ends up accepting the inevitable and eventually discovers magic and mystery in his strange and wonderful new home.

    The school is meant for wayward teens with criminal or behavioral problems but it turns out to have a mystical twist on the standard curriculum. They teach Lee and his group of new found friends everything from East Asian Calligraphy and Yogic Meditation to Aikido and Kenjutsu. Bit by bit they learn to use these talents to harness the magical energy that the Chinese know as Chi. Once the students are proficient in their new found skills their teachers lead them out into the wilderness for a journey of self discovery. After achieving success (more for some than for others) they are forced to band together and defend themselves from a wild and mythical primal enemy.

    I have never been published but I love to read and feel that fans of Christopher Paolini, Jonathan Stroud, Michael Scott and Tamora Pierce would enjoy this story as well.

    Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

  10. Jenny Says:

    Although the revision is much better than the original there are still a few things that could use some work. I like the idea of a reluctant juvenile delinquent. It drums up some sympathy for the character right away. But there is a disconnect between the first two sentences and the rest of the query that leaves me wondering what him getting into trouble has to do with the bulk of the story. How does he get in trouble, what happens to him that he doesn't intend, how will this knack for finding trouble effect him later on, etc?

    Be careful with your long sentences. Readers tend to get tripped up by them. Also, the line about trouble "gathering him into its clutches" sounds a bit cliche.

    To me this story sounds a lot like Harry Potter … mysterious, magical school, cruel aunt and uncle, defending against an overwhelming enemy, and so on. How is your story fundamentally unique? Tell us in the query.

  11. Matthew Says:

    I tried this for the second paragraph but it seems like a bit too much to me:

    Fifteen year old Lee is a reluctant juvenile delinquent. He never means to get himself into trouble but trouble seems to have quite a knack for following him nonetheless. He gets suspended from his prep school for not ratting on his friend when the boy makes a desperate attempt at social revenge. His aunt and uncle kick him out of their home when he tries to stand up for his little sister in an argument. He gets expelled from the boarding school they send him to when a bottle of vodka is discovered in his dorm room. Finally after almost getting arrested his guardians and conservators ship him off to a unique reform school in the bitter wilderness of Northern Idaho. He is so terrified by the idea of the place that he runs away from home, but soon enough he ends up accepting the inevitable and eventually discovers magical mysticism and spiritual mystery in his strange and wonderful new home.

    Also I suppose it is a bit like Harry Potter, a little darker and more realistic I would like to think but you make a good point. There are no wands, wizards, werewolves or witches and instead of magic spells and creatures the fantasy element is based on eastern mysticism and the martial arts, which I tried to point out in the second "synopsis" paragraph but perhaps I should say something about the lack of other popular paranormal elements.

    Thanks so much for your advice.

  12. Jamie Says:

    Matthew, I think you're getting there, but it's still too long. Try to shorten it up some… but I feel like you ARE on the right path 🙂

  13. Matthew Says:

    I know this post is quite old now but it was really very helpful for me so I would just like to say thanks again, especially to Daphne, but also to all those who commented, your sage advice has really helped me improve my query.

    I am no longer querying at the moment because I am editing the novel for length (it is far too long). In the meantime I would really love it if any writers, readers or even crafty agents who have a free moment would take a look at my blog. It's just a clumsy attempt at catharsis for a novice writer and brand new blogger, but hopefully it could help or inform someone out there, or maybe just provide a brief laugh. It is listed in my signature but just in case:

    http://theqqqe.blogspot.com/

    (Not sure if this post allows html tags so you may have to copy and paste).

    So anyway thanks again Daphne! Your blog is fun, informative and has helped me out a great deal already.